There is a worldwide obsession with the idea of virginity. It’s in our media, our laws, our conversations. We are transfixed, and it proves to be incredibly degrading, dangerous and even fatal to women all across the globe. The very principle of virginity, the idea that a woman can be inherently and ethically changed from someone putting their penis inside of her is blatantly and grotesquely misogynistic. It is also has absolutely no founding whatsoever.

Our idea of virginity is all wrapped up in the hymen. The common misconception is that the hymen is a ‘shield’ stretched over the opening of the vagina that is broken through sexual intercourse. The truth is the hymen is a piece of very elastic skin that stretches over part but not all of the vagina. Were this not thecase, no one could mestrate or insert a tampon without having their hymen broken in the first place. Pain or bleeding during sex results from the hymen being torn. That generally means that there is not enough lubricant, or that they were penetrated too fast. She shouldn’t hurt your first time. If you don’t want it to, it never should. I hate to break it to ya, but if you were someone’s first and there was pain or bleeding, it doesn’t mean that she was a virgin. It means you were doing something wrong.

The issue here however, goes far beyond just the fact that virginity doesn’t exist. The concept of virginity is incredibly destructive. Consciously or unconsciously, it is used as a tool of oppression against women. Virginity is the basis of assigning women value based on their sexual history. It makes it easier for society to idolize or demonize them. The myth of virginity plays a critical part in violence against women.

In some countries, women are required to pass virginity tests. Some of these tests are ‘medical procedures’ that have more in common with sexual assault than they do medicine. Others are tortuous and very like puritan witch trials. In some places, a woman must hold her breath underwater while someone walks a hundred steps in order to prove she is a virgin. Very rarely are these tests one’s that women submit to willingly. They are tortuous and often very public. Often times, if the woman ‘fails’ the test, she is made to disclose who her sexual partners were to her family, doctors and sometimes entire community. This, of course, is regardless to whether or not there may have actually been any. Other consequences of failure include but are not limited to, denial of education, jobs, public shaming, honor killings and even being set on fire or doused in acid.

In the wake of Khmer Rouge, a rumor began that sex with a virgin can cure someone of aids. This manifested in the most horrific way possible. HIV/AIDs positive men would go to brothels in droves, seeking virgins. Forced prostitution everywhere is notorious for meeting the demands of whoever shows up, be they pedophiles or sadists. This means that in the world of forced prostitution, a girl of eleven or twelve can have already been in pimped out for years. Additionally, brothel owners needed the girl to bleed and feel pain in order for them to be perceived as virgins. Subsequently, brothels began to purchase an kidnap girls who were incredibly young. Generally between the ages of three and six, these girls were made to be raped by men coming in seeking a cure for AIDs. After being raped, these girls typically had their hymens sewn shut and were then sold again in a cycle that continued until they were too old, too obviously infected or dead.

The harmful consequences of the myth of virginity don’t just affect the eastern world however. Elliot Rodger went on a shooting spree in 2014 because he was angry about being a virgin. Two months later, Ben Moynihan stabbed three women for the very same reason. In France, Michel Fourniret, fixated on virgins, succeeded in raping and killing seven young, sexually inexperienced girls over the course of sixteen years. Daniel Camargo killed a minimum of 72 people, his primary target being young virgin women. The list goes on.

The damaging cost of the virgin myth goes back to it’s inception. Contrary to popular belief, most ancient civilizations made human sacrifices of prisoners, not virgins. Only after did the idea of virginity come into play did the sacrifices begin to skew towards young women. Similarly, no one offered up young women and girls to be raped by their guests, lovers, royalty and government before the idea of the virgin was introduced. Though the myth seems to be more popular with men than with women, it would be amiss not to single out Elizabeth Bathory here. Elizabeth Bathory was, and is to this day, the world's most prolific female serial killer. Born in 1561, her victim count was once alleged to be over six hundred young women. She targeted virgin girls specifically, believing that bathing in their blood would help her retain her youth. She and all of the aforementioned predators indubitably had more than the virgin myth contributing to their actions and overall mental health. Still, it stands to reason that we’re we as a culture less obsessed with the idea of virginity, the same would be true of our predators.

Though these may be extreme examples, it never starts that way. It starts with decent people buying into it. In order to abolish this culture, we all have to change our behavior and recognize our contributions. While there is nothing wrong with waiting until marriage or wanting your first time to be special, it is absolutely essential that we stop assuming that anyone, including ourselves, is inherently different for having had or not had a penis inside of their vagina.

Judging people, particularly women, for the number of sexual partners they take is contributing to this culture. Watching poronogrsphy centered around ‘taking someone’s virginity’ is contributing to this culture. Referring to the first time a woman has sex as ‘deflowering’ is contributing to this culture. People are taught in sex ed, actually government approved classes, that they leave something of themselves behind every time they have sex. We need to acknowledge that these tactics are manipulative and misleading. We have to stop giving the myth of virginity validity because in doing so we pass this painful and untrue legacy onto our daughters.

I want the world to now that the first sexual experience they have, isn’t any sort of loss. I want the world to understand that nobody can ‘take your virginity’, because it is something that you give away freely. I never want to hear again how someone ‘gave it up’ because that implies that sex is a fight. Someone’s first sexual experience is not entirely different than a first kiss. You may want it to be special, you may run to tell your mom or chat about it with your friends, but it is understood that you aren’t any more or less for having done it. The idea that a woman’s value is dictated by a man is an archaic ideal, that I for one, am more than happy to sacrifice.