Now that it seems “talking” is the new way to date, and will stay that way until another idiotic term is used to describe the people who can’t settle down and just date someone, I feel as if it’s time to go over the unwritten rules of “talking.”

Rule 1. Having feeling without feeling.

You need to be careful with your feelings. You’re supposed to have feeling for the person you’re talking to, but you can’t feel something for that person. Think of it as dipping a toe into the water — you only put in your toe, not your whole body.

Rule 2. What About Going Public?

Most of the time, you don’t go public with someone you’re “talking” to. It’s because we like to keep our options open, and not commit to anyone — because commitment means dating, and we don’t play that game. But, with not going public or giving commitment to the other person, brings in the issue of others trying to get with your person.

Rule 3. How Many People Can You Talk To?

Well, the answer is: as many as you can keep up with. An average person is “talking” to at least two other people, that way if one of them turns out to be boring/annoying/unattractive, you have other options. We don’t like to be limited to just one option, ever. Think of it like a baseball team — if you strike out with one of them, you still have a ton more to go through.

Rule 4. What About Friends?

If you’re just “talking”, it seems to mean that there’s not enough connection for the other person to lock it down with you and actually date. So, it does mean you can “talk” to their friends, too. You can ultimately get with whoever you want, because “talking” doesn’t mean you’re committing to one person, and the other person you’re “talking” to probably has a few other people on the side.

Rule 5. How About Social Media?

Vague captions on Instagram photos about having fun with your best friend or a tweet about having a good night with good friends is what you’ll probably be getting. No #wcw or #mcm, because those special hashtags are reserved for only the people you date. See, romance isn’t dead.

Rule 6. How Often You Should Text.

Texts should be answered about 15 to 20 minutes after received, to make it seem like you’re busy and have other people to talk to. If they make you wait, then you’re supposed to double that waiting time and make them wait that amount before you answer them. FaceTime is good because you can’t screenshot what the person is saying in order to humiliate them later when they get tired of “talking” and want a break from you. Snapchat means you should be on the list of best friends, but they shouldn’t be your top best friend because then you look desperate and like you really like this person enough to talk to them more than anyone else in your phone.

And, by the time you finish reading this article, I hope you see how truly dumb this entire setup is. There’s no excuse for it, we’re afraid of getting hurt so we mistreat others by not giving them a commitment and making them constantly second guess where they stand with us. Why put our heart on the line, when we can just break the other person’s heart instead? It’s 2016, feelings were so last year.