" God wrecks your plans when he sees your plans are about to wreck you." -Unknown
I never was one to believe that the world had a plan set in stone for me before I even graced the planet. I made my own choices and my choices determined how my future would play out. I am strong-willed and I always thought I had the world by the balls.
But if the world worked the way I thought it was going to I'd be married to the wrong man right now. I'd be living in toxicity and thinking that it was normal. Put downs, living like roommates rather than lovers, and feeling like I was walking down an emotional one-way street is not normal. Repeat: notnormal.
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Let's rewind to 14-year-old me. It was summer before my freshman year of high school, I was at a friends house surrounded by teen girls. Facebook was something that, at the time, was about having the most friends, interacting with the most people. Ordinarily, we were logged into my profile sending messages and one guy in particular caught my eye. We had mutual friends, he seemed like he'd be interesting and we had nothing to lose. I messaged him. He carried on the conversation like we knew each other for ages and we had just met. Something clicked, I never stopped responding. Turns out this guy was already attending the high school I would be going to and I felt secure in that. He also had a brother who was friends with mine. Turns out this guy lived maybe two miles down the road. Coincidence? You'll see.
Fast forward about a year, we bought each other gifts. I mean such embarrassing gifts that made noise and made no sense. Rubber ducks, silly string, bubbles — I still have them. We talked daily, passive comments to test each other's feelings; I think he was convinced I put him in the "friend-zone," but I was dropping not-so-subtle hints of my intent. For some reason, neither of us caught on. We teased each other and all my friends were convinced we were secretly dating. He made my heart race. We shared secrets that no one else knew, we laughed until four in the morning. I learned his goals and dreams and fears. I cried and whined about anything that got under my skin and he always listened. Here's the part where you'd think we professed our love to the world and rode off into the sunset, right? Well, I'm afraid that wasn't the case. I was 15 he was 18 and at the time that age gap made all the difference in what was acceptable. We both buried the feelings because we were afraid of losing something special. Fear was the leading factor in the only time we ever hid things from each other.
I found a new potential partner, one who was highly uncomfortable with me speaking to another male let alone one I couldn't say one negative thing about. I was forced to block and ban one of the most important people I had ever met. It wasn't his fault, I would've done the same thing in his position but I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I tried to start a life with someone else. I had a child with someone else, moved someone else into my home. Shared myself and my secrets and my love with someone else,and he did the same. I thought I was happy until it all came crumbling down and I had to make the decision to give up for my own sanity. I was tired of the tears and the yelling and making excuses for bad behavior. I broke my own chains and set myself free.
Here comes the crazy part, both of our relationships failed. They were long relationships that hit a variety of milestones, and even more bizarre, they failed on the same day. We were blocked from contacting and somehow we ended things with our potential lovers on the same damn day. That moment makes me believe that fate is real and that there is some kind of divine intervention because right now I'd be married to the wrong person. I was engaged to the wrong person. I was investing into the wrong person and I didn't even know. I was blinded by what I thought love was. I unblocked my secret first love and I typed a message long enough to be a novel about the past five years and ended up erasing it. I stared at his name while a lump built in my throat.
"Hey, stranger." Send.
The heart attack began. He was just as shocked as I was that I sent that message. It was a hail-Mary that paid off.
Now here we are. So amazed by each other's company, feeling blessed and foolish all at once. Starting things over and picking up where we left off at the same time. We accept the decisions that we both made. This is what love does. This is what life does. You plan and meanwhile the world is working for you even while it feels like it's working against you. I am picking up pieces from my own wreckage and he helps me. Even if he's never experienced what I've gone through he is so good and he reassures me. He doesn't try to drain my every resource and emotion like I became used to. We are a team, a working unit.
His hands fit into mine, they're rough from the long hours of work but I still run my thumb over his because it's proof of his early morning wake-up calls and his motivation. His eyes lock with mine and time stops. He knows my capabilities and lets me know I am worthy. He is supportive of a daughter that isn't his. He pays attention, he gets what I mean with no explanation. He makes me feel amazing for just being myself. He still gives me butterflies. He is my safety net and my soft place to land once the world gets done with me. He thinks things are important because they make me happy, we invest into each other's passions and I never had a love like that with anyone else. He lets me in and welcomes me into his world. He shows me the true definition of unconditional love.
He's always been my best friend. He's my person. I only hope that he knows how grateful I am that he's here. Never in a million years would I have thought this is where I'd be, but I couldn't have picked a better place. No one pinch me because if this is a dream I never want to wake up. I have everything I only hoped for in a man. As my tears of pain turned into tears of happiness and relief, remember, the universe has a plan even when you don't.
