The truth about depression is it is a numbing feeling. It’s not just sadness, it is not just a feeling at all. Like time passes by and you're in the fog listening to the voices in your head, you struggle to breathe but when you do come up for air it hits you. You feel as though you have nothing to offer because you are a waste of space.
Depression isn’t always noticeable because you can learn to mask it Really, it’s like wearing makeup pretending to be someone else. Most say I’d rather feel numb then the pain, But feeling numb is horrible; it is worse than any pain. You can’t turn it off, you're helpless, you can’t even feel the tears going down your cheeks or the heart aching racking sobs. All you want is to feel pain the kind that will heal, But mental pain feels like you're eternally broken.
Anxiety comes with depression like it's ying and yang. It tears you apart just to leave self-doubt, self-loathing and fear. The doubt that anyone will love you or want to be friends or even near you. Loathing one's image, thinking if they looked better or were different you would be better off. The feeling of fear is feeling failure that you are nothing, or the fear of losing one's self.
One minute you're fine and the next you're falling apart, You can hide it from the world but when your alone it all spills out of you, crashing like the dangerous high waves in the sea. Your just waiting for the drowning to end. At some point in time you completely break the downward spiral down the rabbits hole never to be seen again but that second when your life flashes before your eyes. Realizing you barely have live you climb out more determined than ever.
But the struggles are still there, your afraid to be in love the fear of being forgotten ,ditched ,not good enough etched in ones mind. Self loathing is a thing it’s how you see yourself, Even though people can tell you your great but you don't see it you see failure, imperfections, the lies people tell to your face all your fears coming to light. The struggle is to cry actually let it out near loved ones because you’ve thought it was a weakness and that you will be pushed away thus the feeling abandoned. More so the bigger struggle is seeking help, talking about it and writing about it because its a shameful thing as society considers it. If you don't talk about it you use to think it wasn't happening nor will anyone understand they will just say take happy pills and or such. Remember the good because it's the light in the dark. Trying not to be ashamed of having anxiety and depression is a struggle I will take.
