First off, let me say this: if you really want to know what it feels like to work at any coffee shop, please listen to the song "A Cup of Coffee," by Julian Moon. That song expresses in great detail and vulgarity the coffee shop experience. Moving on, I have worked for Dunkin' Donuts on and off for four years now. In that amount of time, I have made about the same amount of money that the CEO of Dunkin' Donuts makes in a day. Would you like to know how much the CEO of Dunkin' Donuts makes in an hour? Just over $5,300. $5,300!! But heaven forbid employees earn $15.

Anybody who has worked in any kind of customer service knows that it can be absolutely miserable at times. This isn't brand new information. But you have never experienced the wrath of a person until you make them a coffee. My Starbucks peeps know what I'm talking about -- when you have a common enemy, that bond is unbreakable. I'll let you in on a few tidbits and secrets.

Let's talk about drive-thrus. The fact that this word isn't even spelled correctly should be an insight to the type of business. I mean I get it, you're in a car, you're trying to focus on the road. Who has time to read the extra three letters anyway? The headsets at Dunks are awful. With the millions of dollars earned a day, the company just cannot afford to invest in something that isn't beneficial to the customer as a whole. "I'll get a small hot black." "So you said a sausage, egg, and cheese croissant. Anything else today?" It's not our fault, people. Your order was doomed from the moment walkie-talkies were invented.

Ever wonder why drive-thrus are actually slower in the afternoon than during morning rush hour? It's because Dunkin' Donuts likes to save money and only staff two to three people in the afternoons. That means one person to handle the counter, and one person to handle the drive-thru, not to mention the sandwich station. And of course, once one person comes, three more follow. The mornings are effortless because eight people are usually staffed, and one of these positions is an order-taker, meaning that your order doesn't get lost in a black hole in the five seconds it takes to drive from one end to the other. We're not perfect. We are just here to serve. And we can't serve if supplies run low amidst all the orders. So not only are we trying to complete your order, we are trying to get the necessary supplies ready. Coffee doesn't just fill the pots itself, you know!

Let's talk about the nitty-gritty of Dunks. And by the way, if I get fired because of this article, it won't make the slightest difference -- by the time this is published, I'll have finally finished working at Dunkin' Donuts! (This is a bigger deal than graduating from college.) One of the many things that frustrates me is when a customer tells me to make sure it's decaf because they are allergic. BS. Decaffeinated means less caffeine, NOT caffeine-free. I get you don't want to be shaking all day or up until it's time to leave for work. But you're not going to die. And if you are, just make sure it's not while I'm working. Sorry, but thanks. Nothing on the menu is healthy except water. The iced green tea at Dunks, not even pure green tea. The packages are made with green tea extract, decaf tea, and something else that I'm forgetting. Don't worry, it's safe for you, it's just not green tea. This one always gets me: five munchkins, which is assumed to be the equivalent of a doughnut, is more calories than a single doughnut. Nearly every food item (besides the doughnuts) is shipped frozen, including the bagels.

And let's just get a few basics straight. In most of New England, regular means cream and sugar. It does not mean that you want the non-decaf or non-dark roast. If you say a medium hot regular and it comes with cream, don't return and say that you wanted it black. Black means black. Serving sizes are always fun. When you tell us that you want your large hot coffee with cream and sugar and we repeat back your order as "large hot four and four," it's the same thing. For example, a small cup comes with two creams, two sugars, two milks, two pumps of swirl, two whatevers. A medium cup comes with three creams, three sugars, three whatevers, and so on and so forth.

Look, I know fast food restaurant workers have a bad reputation. But most of us are working our way through college, trying to support a family while still trying to fit in work, trying get our life together, maybe even just genuinely enjoying making people's coffee and wishing them a nice day. Regardless, we are people. We deserve to be treated with as much respect as the customer who is on his or her way to work that six-figure job, because newsflash, we get our ass handed to us if that coffee has one too many splenda in it. If you mess up at your six-figure job, you probably get a week's paid vacation. All right, probably not quite, but still.

Anywho, please leave a little tip next time you go to a Dunkin' Donuts, especially if they do a good job. But more importantly, please say 'please' and 'thank you'. This goes such a long way, and it will probably guarantee that we don't spit in your coffee. (Disclaimer: this may or may not have happened to one of my co-workers after being treated horribly by a customer for no reason.) And remember, really only the east coast runs on Dunkin' because most of the west coast is run by Starbucks.