The funny thing about going to school with your ex is that you see her from time to time. It’s especially weird when you’re walking through the main building on campus and you see her. You know it’s her before you even get close. The haircut and the flannel are telltale signs, but her height gives it away. You walk the long way around the open room, hoping she never turns her face towards you. But of course, your life is almost like a bad movie whenever she’s in it, and she turns towards you. Her glare is one of smugness and she pulls the girl she’s holding closer to her. I can tell she’s putting on a show for me. I remember that smug look turned towards so many others when we were dating. It’s odd to be on the outside of her bubble now. I prefer it this way.
I left her almost a year ago. It doesn’t seem like it’s been all that long but when I think about who I’ve become in this year without her it feels like a century. When we were together I would have happily been wrapped in her arms. I would have smiled at her like she was my world. Now that I can see the world from outside her seemingly protective but quite frankly controlling grasp, I can smile as I walk past her. I’m happy to be free from that.
It still hurts, when you see your ex on campus. I’ve learned this weekly since September. It started when I was sure she had transferred and I saw her going through the checkout at Target. I hid behind a coworker, praying for a rare occasion in my life that she wouldn’t see me. My stomach dropped when I saw her. My stomach dropped a lot when I saw her for those first few months.
The funny thing about going to school with your ex is that most people know. Depending on which one they know better, or if they met you pre- or post-breakup, they know you as the ex, or they know her as the ex. It’s the look of “ahhh” that people exuberate when you say “yeah…I used to date her.” It’s that look friends get when they mention seeing her and quickly cover it up as if they should pretend she doesn’t exist. When you and your ex go to the same small school there is a part of your experience that is always trapped in that relationship.
The truth of it is, even when you’re over someone, seeing them with someone else can bring up strange feelings. My first instinct is to tell the new girl to run, that she doesn’t know what she’s gotten herself into. My second thought is to calmly walk away and hide the rage clenching in my fists until I’m safely in the elevator. I’ve changed in a year, maybe she could too. Maybe this girl can love her in the ways I cannot.
When you see your ex at school, it’s jarring. It may never stop being jarring. As time goes on, and as I find myself more and more content with my life, it feels less like a sucker punch, seeing her. Seeing her feels less like the floor is going to cave in. I broke up with her eleven months ago and it took until this week to be able to walk past her without feeling insecure. It took until this week for her to stop staring at me as I walked past.
When you go to school with your ex you live in the same sphere. Campus is a place where you could see her at any given moment. Her friends may truly be whispering about you and about showing up to class in walk-of-shame sweatpants. That’s okay. Going to school with her and seeing her face across campus doesn’t actually mean anything anymore. It’s a trying moment, but now it’s only moments. When you dated her, it was never-ending. She was there at 2 a.m. when all you wanted to do was sleep. She was there to walk you to class even though you really like those five minutes to get centered. Now she’s fleeting moments by the café and awkwardly lingering stares on the sidewalk. You prefer her in this form much better.
