I was a less-than-average student in high school. I watched as all my friends around me easily succeeded in academics and I honestly didn't care. I thought academia just wasn't my thing.
Then, I got to college.
And suddenly, I had a thousand less academic hoops to jump through. I could create my own path, argue for all my academic decisions and have my professors and the administration actually listen to me and consider my learning style. I found my place, my people. Academia wasn't just my thing, it was my playground. I ingested knowledge at what-felt-like a million miles per second. I tackled my course load with the attitude of a warrior. And I loved it.
But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.
Academia became my playground, yes, but now I suddenly felt the need to hold myself to a higher standard than I had ever held myself to before. And no, it wasn't your stereotypical "overachiever pulls three all-nighters in a row and gets a 4.0 GPA on no sleep running solely on caffeine but hates herself as she does it because she doesn't practice self care" kind of trope. I rarely overworked myself. In fact, I made a point to balance self-care and academics, giving both equal importance in my mind. I made sure to generally get an average of 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night, go to the gym relatively regularly, spend quality time with all my pals, etc.
That was not my problem.
My problem really became visible when one of my professors shared with my that he found me to be an exceptionally intelligent student, but that I don't apply myself enough. Little did he know, the standard that I had already held myself to in that class, and college in general, was so high I was already operating on perfectionist standards. And I'm not complaining, nor do I think he was in the wrong to share this with me. I can present myself with decorum and apathy on occasion, and that can be interpreted as underachieving. But nonetheless, this sent me past my perfectionism into academic overdrive. I became determined to show my degree of achievement through the assignments I submitted. This is a flawed concept though in the sense that if you're already giving your 100%, how do you give more?
Now, I hear the argument for the other side. I hear the people who struggle academically and get frustrated with overachievers who complain. I hear it because I've been there. That was me for most of my academic life. But now, as the tables have turned, I realize that academic perfectionists carry their own burden, and it's no less valid than that of those who struggle in academia.
But to my fellow academic perfectionists out there: hold on to your self worth and know that your knowledge is valued, even when you feel like you should, and could, be doing so much more.
