Dear Whomever It May Concern,
I'll be blunt: you broke my heart. This wasn't your typical heart break. This was a heart break that made me question who I was. You broke me, and like you said, sometimes you can try and put the pieces back together, but it's just never going to be the same. You took things away from me I never thought I'd get back, and honestly I don't know if I ever will. I thought you should know what they are.
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Confidence...
I was always the kind of girl who felt a little insecure. I'm not the best looking, I'm not the smartest, I'm not the most popular, and I certainly don't have the best body... but I was confident in who I was. I was confident because of who you saw in me. When I was with you-- for the first time in my life-- I felt like I was enough. You reached beneath my surface, and made me feel beautiful in a way that went beyond what I saw in the mirror. But then one day you broke my heart, and I found myself frantically trying to figure out why.
Was I not pretty enough? Was I not athletic enough? Was there someone else? What if she was enough and I wasn't? I went from being more confident in myself than I'd ever been before to someone I didn't even recognize. I found myself wearing more make up, dressing differently, and acting in ways I never had before. All I wanted was for someone to look at me the way you used to, but none of them did.
Desire to Love and Be Loved...
All I wanted was to just be with you and feel the pure happiness that raced through my heart when you smiled at me. That was it. I didn't care about the labels, I didn't care about the future, I didn't care about the past. I just wanted you. But then you broke my heart, and I found myself wanting none of it.
Everyone kept telling me to move on and find someone else, but I had no interest in seeing other people. I was terrified of letting people in again. I took a risk by being vulnerable with you, and I got burned. I wanted to make sure that no one would ever have the chance to make me feel that way again. I felt unworthy to be loved. If I wasn't good enough for you, why would I ever be good enough for anyone else?
Security...
I think the worst part was how I embarrassed I was. I felt stupid for how much I loved you. I felt even more stupid because you didn't love me back. You tried, but at the end of the day you couldn't, and that has haunted me ever since. I was so secure in how I felt about you and how I thought you felt about me, I blindsided myself. I questioned everything you ever said to me and all the feelings I felt. When you broke my heart, I wasn't sure about anything. One moment I was on the path, and the next I was so far gone I couldn't even find the path anymore. I had lost my way.
These are the things you took from me.
But eventually, time moved on and so did I. The days passed, and as I began to let go of my anger, my heart began to heal. What I realized was that these are not things you took from me, these were things that I took from myself. Looking back, I realized that in reality you gave me a lot more than you took from me, and I thought you should know what they are. These are the things you gave me:
Higher Standards...
I have spent a lot of my life settling. In the past, I chose to settle because I felt like either I wasn't good enough to deserve better or it was never going to get better. Then you came along and changed all of that. The way you opened up to and connected with me made me realize that I deserve someone who makes being vulnerable easy. The way you pushed me made me realize that I deserve someone who isn't afraid to hurt me in order to make me grow. The way you looked at me made me realize that I deserve someone who makes me feel beautiful every day. You made me realize that I didn't deserve to settle. I came to see that if I could have all of this with someone who didn't end up being my person, I can only imagine what it's going to be like when I meet the man who is.
Perspective...
When I met you, I was scared for the future, and I was looking for someone to solve all my problems. You changed all of it. Although I still struggle with control, you taught me that a little spontaneity can go a long way. For so long I was looking for someone to save me. And honestly, I thought it was going to be you. I thought you were going to be the one to save me from all of this, but you did much more than that. You taught me I didn't need someone to save me; you taught me that I could save myself. I could try so hard to find someone who loved me and would make everything better, but until I learned to love myself, no one was ever going to be able to help me. Because of that, I learned things about myself I never knew, and I fell in love with the person who needed it the most: myself. For that, I can never thank you enough.
Friendship...
Most importantly, you gave me a greater friend than I ever deserved. In my life, so many people have given up and walked out on me, but you never did. You may have broken my heart, but when I needed someone you were always there. Not many people realize, but walking away is incredibly easy. It takes a lot stronger person to stick around. I know that things don't always work out the way we want them to, and honestly for this I am thankful. A lot can be said for a person who cares about someone enough to let them go.
Honestly, you may have broken my heart, but I am happy you did. Often times if a bone is damaged and cannot grow properly, it has to be broken in order to be set again. Yes, my heart was broken, but because of that, you reset it in order to grow stronger. Does it still hurt sometimes? Of course. Do I regret any of it? Not at all. We both made mistakes, but I have forgiven you and most importantly I have forgiven myself. All I hope is that you have as little regrets as I do.
Love Always,
The Girl Who Let It Go
