Dear Lord,

I feel tension. There's this tension I'm seeing of me lost and swamped in the things you've called me to steward over but not letting go of your hand. I'm tired, don't know if I have any fight left in me, and confused. I'm a little frustrated and not sure where or why.

And yet, I still seek your face. I can't let go of you. I need you so deeply. I know that I know that I know that I know that I know that I can't live without you. I know you would never harm me. It is impossible for you to forsake me. It is impossible for you to act out of anything that isn't good because you are good, that's who you are.

And yet, I still have this tension where I don't know where you're taking me but I still believe that you have the unimaginable planned for my life. I still have this tension where you're molding me into someone I don't have a reference for but I still trust you. I still have this tension where the person you say I am is completely unfamiliar to me which means I have to be stretched to be her. But you can't grow and stay.

I have this tension because I'm being stretched into something I don't even understand and I have to leave behind what's been familiar to me all out of trusting you. Do I know where we're going? No. Am I waking up every day completely lead by you to lead me into this place you need me to be for your kingdom? Yes.

But trusting you can be hard sometimes. There's this tension between this upward calling and downward familiarity. There's this tension from leaving my own understanding of being a witness to a deeper level of your glory and more. And there's this downward pull to stay because it's what I understand and what I know and what I'm familiar with. It won't make any waves if I just be who people expect me to be and do what I'm expected to do.

I won't disrupt the law of my 'friend'ships if I stay within the bounds of what 'they' say we're 'supposed' to do, where we're 'supposed to hang out, the things were 'supposed' to like and the things were 'supposed' to think.

But there goes that tension to live by their law so they won't condemn me... but I'm Yours. I belong to you, God. I'm your child. I'm the daughter of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. How can I bow down to the one who doesn't have a heaven or a hell to put me in? How can I bow down to the one who has to answer to you just as I do? How can I bow down to the one who didn't create me or save me? How can I, a creation, bow to another creation?

Faith creates tension.

Faith sometimes feels like that space between what my circumstance says (sight) and what the holy spirit says it will be (vision), ya know? Like how my bank account might say that I'm poor but calls me rich. Like how my enemies might say that I'm the tail but God says I'm the head.