“There is no greater illusion than fear,
no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself,
no greater misfortune than having an enemy .
Whoever can see through all the fear
will always be safe .”

Since I was a child, I’ve lived my life in two very distinct worlds–that of spiritual fortitude and that of passionate activism. I often find myself struggling to find a balance, always living in limbo, in an awkward transitory phase, continuously stirring my bubbling center of intuition and raison d’être. Oddly enough, my gut instinct often guides me toward the light more often than any dose of reasoning or rationale ever has. As a student of midwifery, women’s studies and medical anthropology, I believe this will help me better serve the families and communities who seek my assistance, and to better speak my truth as I explore more and more of the outward bounds of this earthly space.

“The great Way is easy,
Yet people prefer side paths.
Be aware when things are out of balance.
Stay centered within the Tao.”

I returned from East Africa in 2013 where I assisted at a maternity center in rural Uganda. The months that I was there served as a catalyst for the existential dilemma I'm still riding out three years later. But I remind myself: Our moments of disillusionment are merely stepping-stones on this path to greater awareness.

This is a short version of my story, and I've chosen to omit some details for time's sake.

I’ll begin with our arrival. I immediately noticed the informal hierarchy that was enforced by the Western midwives on the compound. I noticed the key players, their most prominent characteristics, their dominating personality traits, and their poor attitudes. I noticed the lack of management and clinical oversight. I often felt I was on a reality television show where honest communication is lost in a space of smoke and mirrors. There were some nights when I’d stay in my hut and just laugh at the foolish dramas playing out around me… rolling, guttural belly laughs… and other times I withdrew completely, feeling detached and numb and heartbroken that such darkness could exist in something that presents itself as providing goodness to all sides. I remember wondering: These are midwives? These women who have deep-rooted psychological troubles are serving our most vulnerable populations? And then I quickly reminded myself:

Those who know, don't talk
Those who talk, don't know

Who am I to judge? And with that, I became a quiet observer. Profound or subtle, there is something to be learned from everyone, everything, from every interaction. With that, I reminded myself to be mindful of my interactions, to be kind, to be tolerant – no matter how others acted or reacted. I tried not to interfere even at times when the passionate activist was raging inside of me. There were times when others would manifest disrespect or sharp words and I felt physical pain in my heart or in my belly, but I did my best to remain complacent, to empty my mind, to remain as a stillness in the eye of a storm. I dismissed myself from the birth house often when I felt the tension of others was an impediment. Some days this felt right and some days this felt incredibly wrong – I wasn’t there for them, I was there to learn from the women and the babies and I did my best to remind myself of this. Within the compound, there was a lack of structure, of stability, and of sincerity. What bothered me most was the undeniable lack of integrity that seemed to permeate everything. I’m a very vocal human being in terms of political and social injustices…so why then do I find myself reading:

“True mastery can be gained
By letting things go their own way
It can’t be gained by interfering.”

Can I exist as both a conscientious objector and a productive change agent in the same breath?

“True words seem paradoxical.”

Fast-forward to my arrival home. I began wondering why there wasn’t a strict interview process in place for the Westerners they allowed to serve at these clinics. If the idea of ethical midwifery is of utmost importance to the women responsible for these international projects, why then would they allow culturally insensitive and domineering midwives into the equation? I am still in awe, all these months later. The confusion and emotional turbulence that followed my arrival home had me questioning the entire reality of the midwifery world and how I fit into it.

“Give evil nothing to oppose
and it will disappear by itself.”

Instead of continuing to oust the deception I’ve uncovered and continue to uncover, I am feeling immensely grateful. Thank you for being yet another seed that sprouted another tree in my forest of disillusionment and personal evolution. I am forever grateful for seeing how the shadows of human nature can be masked by perceived acts of humanitarianism. It must be especially difficult to continue a project in the realm of reproductive healthcare when we are so often met with opposing forces. I absolutely applaud each and every person who dedicates time and energy to creating a safer world for mothers and babies.

All I ask is that the whole truth be provided to the public… not lavish half-truths (or dreams of a project’s potential) to persuade the masses into thinking more good is being done than actually is. If they are merely dreams, present them as such. If there are improvements to be made, we can do it together. Solidarity is key. Unfortunately, this can be difficult as there is much ego at play in the midwifery community both locally and globally. I often wonder if the ones doing the blaming and finger-pointing are doing it because they see these qualities mirrored in themselves and they are feeling some glimmer of shame or guilt. We’ve all been made aware of our own faults and flaws by seeing them in others.

For those who have founded or have contributed to international midwifery projects, I ask you: for fame or integrity?

“When two great forces oppose each other
the victory will go
to the one that knows how to yield.”

Upon adopting this headspace, I began noticing the beauty and the smiles and the rhythm in everything. The mamas and babies were resilient and glowing. The ebb and flow of the days and nights in Northern Uganda were pulsing through me with every rise and fall of glowing orbs in the sky. I felt receptive and malleable as soon as I detached from my Western counterparts.

I once believed that an apprentice should be eternally grateful for whatever opportunity she has to work with any preceptor who will take her on. Oh, how naïve of me. I now know that it is just as important for an apprentice to be cautious when deciding who she allows as her teacher as it is for the preceptor to choose wisely of her pupil. This was a major lesson for me as a student midwife over the years. As seedlings, we deserve the right nurturance… the softness of her light, balanced soil for an able mind, and her steady hands to guide our own. This knowledge is passed from generation to generation, we mustn’t accept any word from any midwife as truth, but to find our own truths in her teachings instead and to learn to be mindful of the individual truths of each family we serve. For us, learning to navigate a preceptor’s unique waters is just as important as us breathing life into our own creative powers as well.

“The Tao gives birth to all beings,
nourishes them, maintains them,
cares for them, comforts them, protects them
takes them back to itself,
creating without possessing,
acting without expecting,
guiding without interfering.”

There was magic alive in those villages. Below the surface of human suffering, there is an incomprehensible richness and depth. I found it in the fireflies. I found it in the swaying silence of laboring wombs… fine-tuned instruments of cyclical procreation. I found magic in the sound of machetes swishing through the tall grasses at dawn. I found magic in the voices of traditional midwives as they taught me their language, taught me their ways, told me the stories of why they do what they do and how to do it their way. I’d wake early to follow them out into the bush to bury placentas, dewdrops clinging to the edges of paths still reflecting moonlight from the night before. Those are the memories that will live on inside of me; all else can be transformed into profound life lessons.

I shed the negativity of any experiences and instead see only truth. As a student, I am forever indebted to the people of Uganda for welcoming a young American woman into their home with smiles and gratitude and love. Many thanks to them for helping me find my own way home. I am a newborn and this is my babymoon.

In no way am I a perfect human being…and yet…

I am.

We all are.

Perfectly human.

Humanly perfect.

“If you want to know me,
look inside your heart.”