Whether you believe it or not, self-harm is an addiction. For me, it was like my own kind of high and it was like a breath of fresh air, until the effects wore off. Many people believe that a person who self harms is merely doing it for attention or that they are suicidal. For some like me, that doesn't prove to be true at all.
Growing up I had a few friends that self-harmed and I remember the emotional turmoil I went through. My heart broke every time I found out that they hurt themselves. I swore I would never do that because I didn't want to cause my family and friends so much pain. Seeing my grandpa pass away really took its toll on me. I had nightmares and couldn't sleep through the night. One day I was feeling so low and felt that self-harm was my only option. It didn't take much thought, which surprised me. I have never hated myself as much as I did in that moment. I felt ashamed. I felt weak. I felt like a failure.
Self-harm became my form of control. Any argument or situation that I couldn't control was triggering. I couldn't believe what I was doing. I was mutilating my body to feel better and didn't understand why. I knew it was wrong, but I honestly didn't care. I was constantly wearing sweatpants and long sleeves just to hide what I had done. Guilt ran through me constantly, especially when I saw the scars I had left. I would have a permanent reminder of the times that I had lost a battle with myself.
Mental illness has definitely played a role in my self-harm. I used to self-harm to calm myself down when I was having an anxiety attack. It all starts with a sharp emotion, anger, sadness, feeling hopeless. As things continue to pile on my mind it seems too much to handle, and when that total hopelessness takes over, I need something to take back control of how I'm feeling. I feared being looked at differently by my friends and family. I never came across as the girl that would "stoop so low" and self-harm.
In order for me to overcome my self-harming ways, I began to write. I wrote anytime I felt like I was capable of hurting myself. I bought multiple coloring books and started coloring to calm myself down during an anxiety attack. I even got a puppy and registered him as an Emotional Support Animal. I never thought that an animal could have such an influence on me and my feelings.
Self-harm is glorified in today's society. It is not taken seriously. People romanticize self-harm, myself included at one point, and think that it's a beautiful thing. Most don't realize that it's actually painful, messy, and demoralizing. After my battle with self-harm, I see it for what it truly is: unhealthy, scars, and a lifetime of regret. Overcoming self-harm is not easy, but it is possible. If surrounded by the right people who motivate you to be better, you can overcome your battles too.
