This is an article I have been sitting on for a while now, and I finally decided that I just had to get it out there before I let it slip away. I realize it's not holiday-themed like you'll a lot of stories you see around this time, but my last couple articles were about holidays and finals so I decided to switch it up a bit. This may get a little personal on my end, but hey, maybe some of you will be able to relate to my struggle too.
And just what is this struggle I've been waiting to write about? Why, it's feeling a little out of place and like an outsider when I'm surrounded by people my own age. I have come to describe this feeling as being both an old soul and young at heart, at the same time. For those of you who aren't exactly sure what I mean by that, keep reading and I'll tell you.
Like I said before, I have never really felt like I fit in with a lot of kids my own age. Going all the way back to grade school, I was always considered to be shy and well-behaved, and often because of that, labeled as "mature for my age." I've only ever had a few close friends at a time, I've never minded spending some time alone, and I often find myself hanging out around adults more than people my own age. Other people would always ask about this, or comment that it was strange, but it was just the way I was and I didn't really understand it at the time. After all of the introspection I have delved into since starting college, I have come to realize that this may be because I don't share a lot of the same interests or behaviors of kids my own age.
When seemingly everyone else in high school (and now in college) were going out and partying, getting drunk, and causing trouble--sometimes the illegal kind--I never saw the need to. Sure, I liked to do some of the things that they participated in, but I didn't need to do it so publically or so much. I was fine with spending my Saturday nights having movie marathons with my friends or going camping with my family. I knew that I would have plenty of time to do that other stuff when I was older and legally able to do so. Do I feel like I was missing out on certain traditions of high school and college? Maybe. But mostly no, just because I wasn't interested in those kinds of traditions anyway.
Another pastime for people my age is (over)using social media. I am also not a fan of this. Actually, I'd just say I'm more confused about this. When sites like Facebook were first coming out, I'll admit that I did use them more than I'd care to share, but it was for such silly and mundane things that I can't believe I ever posted it. As I've gotten older, I have felt less and less of a need to share details of my personal life online. That doesn't seem to be the general pattern for other people of my generation, though. There are so many challenges and hashtags and slang words out there that people are posting things for (some that to this day I still don't know what they mean) that it's enough to make your head spin. And I'm not trying to knock on social media, because it does have a lot of positives, but it just seems so excessive to me now. I miss the old days when things were more private and where I could watch movies like Elf, for example, without #arcticpuffin popping up on the screen.
After reading all of that (which isn't even the half of it), it'd be easy to just write me off as being an old soul. That's fine by me, because I know I am. But one thing that I am for sure not is mature for my age. You can ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that I am childlike and even young at heart. In all actuality, I'm probably more this than I am an old soul. And when I say young at heart, I don't mean that I have the adventurous spirit of a young child, but rather that I am still quite childlike in some of my behaviors and interests.
One of the more obvious ways you can tell this about me is my deep, deep love of all things Disney. I will still watch Disney movies for hours on end as if I were six years old. They are my go-to movies on Netflix and whenever I see on my TV guide that one is on, 9 times out of 10 I will switch to the Disney movie and completely disregard whatever else I may have been watching. On top of that, I also still quote Disney movies and sing Disney songs on a daily basis. And that is no exaggeration.
Another major childlike characteristic of mine is that, unlike a lot of girls my age, I still eat like a five or six year old, or rather how a five or six year old would like to eat. I have, unashamedly, eaten a breakfast that consists of cereal and ice cream--more than once. The current selection of food in my dorm room includes Pop Tarts, Cheez-It, licorice, birthday cake Oreos, and chocolate pudding. Nowhere in my room will you find anything good for me, nor will you find a consumer that cares that her food's not good for her. If that doesn't say kid, then I don't know what does.
While I may not be a kid person per se, I do love getting to act silly and crazy or play and joke around with them. This goes double when it involves playing games or visiting playgrounds. Yes, I will confess that I still have that childhood excitement for playgrounds. In fact, if it were considered more socially acceptable, I would still swing on swing sets. But alas, it is not.
If those things don't give me away, then you will definitely realize that I am still very childlike in the way I do a lot of things, whether it be the creative ways I jump or climb onto/off of my bed in my dorm or the way that I still consider sticking my tongue out and making faces at people appropriate responses. Or it could be the fact that I still, also unashamedly, sing and dance around everywhere I go, whether it be in public for the world to see or just around the house/dorm. This is probably to the embarrassment of the more mature people around me, but I couldn't care less.
And I'm sure this list could go on and on, but I think it's time to get to the point of this article. Because of all of these ways that I am both an old soul and young at heart, I have often felt like an outsider among the majority of my peers. It can be a little lonely sometimes and there are definitely times where I wish I could be more like people my own age and less like a mixture of a little kid and an older adult. But then at the same time, I realize that I wouldn't truly be being myself if I tried to conform to that mold. So I will keep on ignoring certain types of social media, eating sugary cereal for every breakfast, and just all around not acting my own age--as long as it let's me be me.
