I strive to bring knowledge about how real and true mental health is. I recently had a friend let me write about her story of a recent struggle she went through.
Nobody believed her when she said she wanted to cut herself. She didn’t say it out of opinion. It was just something that she needed to get out of her head. They looked at her with a sad look and continued with their lives. She struggled. It was all the time. Every night, it was with that single thought of maybe just one.
Just one drop of blood. Just one enough to make her cry enough so she wouldn’t feel the pain of the cut itself.
Then after one night of arguing with her ex, it was an empty house. No one but her and her thoughts. Her eyes were already swollen by the tears from hours before. Her thoughts were the same but she remembered the voice from last time saying specifically, “Are you really gonna do it?”
She found a knife in the kitchen and starred at it for a second. Just one. One drop. One drop of red and it would be over. The thoughts would stop. She would be okay.
No.
One became red. Then one became ten maybe more. Six on one leg and four on the other. Tears flowing down her face as her chest tightened up. She felt calm and sad all at once. The pain of why she wanted to do it was gone but the physical pain was there. Swollen and red, how she remembered it.
No one believed her when she said she wanted to cut.
No one believed how much she was suffering inside. She thought just maybe just taking her meds and talking it out like normal would do the trick but this time it wasn’t the case.
Her inner demons finally won her over. They told her it was okay to hurt yourself this time because no one was listening. It was because at least her inner demons understood what it was like to suffer and to be sad.
She had every right to be sad but at the same time not to be. She had a plan for life but a breakup to match. It was a mix of anger and sorrow in her mind, something she convinced herself she couldn’t figure out normally.
She was drained. Drained in every single possible way. She strived to be happy. She wanted to be happy. She smiled hard for the first time in a while only to be told that it was her fault in the end. She was the one who drove it to the ground. She blamed herself.
She pictured the future only to have reality snap her back in the face when her door was knocking no matter how loud her music was.
No.
She wanted to say no to her thoughts. She did for a week even longer but she couldn’t take the pain anymore.
Remember one turned into ten.
Remember that everyday someone struggles and just needs to listen.
Remember to not take lightly what people say no matter if they are joking. It is better to be safe and sorry.
To the girl with the ten, I’m sorry beautiful. Yes, with your cuts and your scars you are beautiful. Never forget you are loved by so many.
