Why in the world would anyone actually talk about their feelings? That’s what I thought when my roommate from freshman year told me that I should go to counseling. I’ve never been one to talk about what I was feeling whatsoever – I always bottled everything up until it got to be too much and everything just exploded, making it worse than if I had just talked about it earlier.
I started feeling very depressed during my sophomore year of college. I had felt depressed and anxious off and on since high school, but it didn’t get bad until that year. The friends that I loved being with while I was at college were people I just didn’t feel like being around. I didn’t feel like being around anyone really. They are my best friends and I never want them to feel like I don’t want to be around them, but I wanted nothing but to be by myself during that time. I just wasn't myself.
Counseling was something that scared me to death. Whenever I started to talk about my feelings to anything, all I did was cry and I couldn’t get anything out. So, I went a very long time keeping everything to myself because I couldn’t get the courage to actually do anything about what I was feeling.
There were so many times that I told myself that I was going to go make an appointment, but when it came down to it, I never went. It wasn’t until February of my sophomore year that my boyfriend said, “Why don’t you go? I’ll go with you if you want.” I finally went and made the appointment. That’s when I realized that the anticipation of going was so much worse, and afterward I felt much better.
Brenan went with me for my first counseling appointment, and I was nervous beyond belief! But as I said before, it really was ok when the appointment started. I cried the whole time, but it felt so wonderful to get everything out. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I had a newfound freedom with my feelings.
I’ve been going to counseling since February 2016, and I have been taking medication for my anxiety and depression since April 2016. If I had not gone to counseling, I would still be isolating myself, hating myself, and taking it out on myself when I did something I thought was wrong. I still have a very long way to go, but I am so happy to say that I have been making progress every day.
I am still struggling with feeling depressed every now and then, and I feel anxious quite a bit, but I am trying to find healthy ways that I can cope with those feelings. There have been so many instances where I feel ashamed of how I’m feeling, people saying that I’m too sensitive and to just get over it and change my attitude and I’ll be fine. I know that’s not true, and I work very hard to be able to go through a day without feeling so depressed that I can’t get myself to do anything.
I am brave. I have made progress. I will make more progress.
