Okay, so anyone who knows me knows that I'm pretty quiet until you get to know me. I don't like to share things with people until I know I can trust them, which sometimes takes a little while. This is kinda against like ALL of what I just said because I'm going to be sharing some things that only a handful of my friends and family know. But I'm breaking out of my comfort zone in hopes of helping someone else, somewhere.

I'm not even really sure where to start, so bear with me...

Okay, so in my eighteen years of living, I've lived through some quite strange circumstances. Anything from death, divorce, moving, family issues, and everything in between that. I like to think I had a great childhood. I attended good schools and had some great friends.

BUT before I start this, I want to give a HUGE shout-out to the people who have been supporting me endlessly. Thank you to my mom, my sister, my dad and the rest of my family. Thank you to my friends and my SQUATRO fam. I love you all more than you know.

Okay, let's get this thing going. So, I just graduated with the BEST class EVER from Cathedral (which I loved and met some of my best friends there!!!). There are some people who I will hold on to very dearly in my life for a very long time. This past year has been a bit more complicated than that though. So, summer before Senior year, I was (legitimately) diagnosed with anxiety and depression by my doctor. I was then put on medication.

Since that summer, I've been to countless doctors appointments, started therapy, switched medications and dosages multiple times, had a visit to St. Vincent Stress Center, and had some pretty sleepless nights and bad days. It seemed like I was in a loop, like 7 good days followed by 7 bad ones. Some good spells lasting longer than others and some bad ones outlasting the good ones, but I'm still here, so it's an accomplishment.

My mental health began to change my everyday life and affect everything in my life. I began to shut down. To withdraw from any social interactions or school events. I just wanted to be alone. Through all of this, I never shared anything with anybody. nothing. I always painted this picture of myself as the person ANYONE could count on, someone that could make longs days seem shorter and bring a smile to people's faces. I therefore held myself to this personal standard and made my life even more miserable than it was with my mental health problems. I would walk around school with a smile plastered on my face, even if that smile didn't shine on the inside. almost everyday.

My mental health became so bad in February that I needed it to stop. everything to stop. I didn't know how, but there had to be a way. The next day I was pulled out of school and taken to the St. Vincent Stress center. I was then directed to go see a therapist as soon as possible. I went later that week and still go to this very day. I went back to school after that visit but I don't remember a single thing that happened. I spent some days in the office of Cathedral's campus ministry director, Mrs. Witka, who handled me so well throughout the whole year. The rest of the year was spent with ups and downs just the same. again a cycle. All throughout the cycle, I was fighting for my faith. Fighting against those voices in my head that said it was useless. that God would not abandon me like this if He loved me. But he didn't abandon me, and He won't do that to you either. Mrs. Witka told me one day that "if God seems far away, it's because we put him back there, we took our eyes off him" and that put it all in perspective. This doesn't mean faith is easy, it just means that its worth while.

I guess I am sharing all this because I want that one soul who is reading this, who is hurting, who is having a hard time, to know that it will get better. But you need to ask for help. One thing that my senior retreat leader, Annabelle Adams, said to me was that " strength is not found by being quiet, keeping things to yourself does not make you strong, its when you share your pain with loved ones that you get stronger". Please, start the conversation about mental health with your loved ones, friends, family, strangers, it doesn't matter. Just start the conversation. You are not alone. Someone will help you. Don't give up faith. Fight for that hope and always be kind :)

If you want to talk, text me. I'm always around :)