In December 2013, at a youth retreat, I wrote a letter to my 2016 self. To be honest, I completely forgot about the letter and everything I wrote. A week ago, I received that letter at a time I needed it the most. As many of us know, life doesn't always go as planned. This isn't exactly easy for me to accept, because I am a self-diagnosed, recovering perfectionist. When I wrote this letter, 2016 didn't feel so far away.
To me, years were just flashing by--- each memory was a little pushpin in my life cork-board. Well, here I am now. These three years have not flashed by me like the previous years. In that time, I started a new chapter of my life by going to college. I cried over a boy. I fell in love. I moved. I lost a family member. I met the people that are now my closest friends. I went through a difficult break-up. Although these things didn't happen in that exact order, they are all events that have changed me completely. When I wrote that letter at the youth retreat, I never would have guessed that I was going to meet my now ex-boyfriend in that exact spot a year later. I would never have thought that my cousin would be buried in the cemetery outside that same building. The pushpins that once held positive memories of this retreat were replaced with ones of sadness and anger. In the letter, I wrote that love and relationships take time. When I wrote this letter, I had no idea what it meant to be in a relationship or to love someone outside your family. Yet, reading it now, it's as if I knew that 2016 Dragana needed to read that. I also wrote the following words:
"I hope you became what you wanted to become...You know how hard this year was for me. Did you become a stronger person...?"
This is the part that made me sit on my bedroom floor and cry. After graduating from high-school, I had a nervous breakdown. Since I was a kid, I wanted to perform. I saw myself being an independent woman in a big city, acting and singing for the largest crowds. The closer I got to graduation, the more terrified I became. Although I seemed to be very outgoing and confident, I was a very nervous and anxiety-ridden kid. I slept about 3-4 hours every night, watching the sun rise. After those sleepless nights of crying and inner struggle, I decided to erase my childhood dreams of being a performer. As if it happened overnight, I became a totally different person. I became a person that believed that being realistic is the only way to not let yourself down. I stopped dreaming. I stopped wanting. It was a very dark point in my life that I still think about today, but I don't regret any of it.
I'm not perfect, but I did become the person I wanted to be. I may not be the star of a new comedy show, but I am a terrific student. I may not be on Broadway, but I am closer than ever to my parents and sister. I may not be in a relationship, but I fell in love and had the chance to learn about patience and selflessness. I am a stronger person now, and it isn't because of those good times that made it to my life cork-board. It was those moments that I was crying alone in my room and praying that life would change for me. I never knew how much could happen in three years, but I wish I could go back in time and tell 2013 Dragana that she will be okay and thatlife doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful.
