When I was in the third grade, I used to spend the whole break time sitting alone, next to my classroom door, eating my food while watching my other classmates playing happily, I just got the joy of observing them, imagining myself in their place, which has never happened to me.
Me and my half-cousin used to be classmates, in my eighth grade, the grandmother I loved the most passed away, and although she was not my real cousin's grandomther (they were not blood related because her real grandmother has passed away a long time ago), all of my classmates consoled my cousin, whom was the most popular girl at class, and nobody even thought of me. And when two days later one girl remembered that me and my cousin are relatives, she went to me and expressed her consolations with an apology for forgetting about me, at that moment, I burst into tears, and I couldn't tell why; was it because I missed my grandmother, or because nobody has thought of me.
At my eleventh grade, I nominated myself for the president of the students senate's position, and I had lots of plans and entertaining events in mind to do, but amongst the 4 candidates, I got the 4th (the last) place, that even the number of votes I had was lesser than the the number of my own classmates. I felt so ashamed of myself, that the people whom should've supported me at least, did not.
My school days has always been so deadly lonely, since the first grade and until my last grade, I have never had a bestfriend. There were times were I had someone to spend my time with, but the other time I did not. I used to be a replacement; when someone's bestfriend is absent, I was the best alternative, because I would spend the whole time with that person and never leave him alone since I had nobody else to go to.
I have had some unsuccessful friendships, and as soon as my friend finds another one that matches them more, they would leave me the next day.
During the break times, I would sometimes be a third partie in a conversation or a group of people, trying my best to engage with them, but not wanting to invade their personal secrets and life on the other hand. So as soon as I would feel unwanted, I would rush to the rest-room, and lock myself in the toilet until the break time ends.
Because of that, I grew up shy and insecure. Seeing all the people forming new friendships, and having a bestfirend, makes me worried that there is no bestfriend left for me.
Most of the times, I'm fine on my own. I even started to enjoy doing things alone; reading a book, writing a novel, learning a new dance, singing as if I was a superstar, drinking coffee in front of my computer. I turly enjoy those little details, they often make my day.
But sometimes, I just feel so miserable, when I want to hang out with someone, but there is no one to call.
When I'm shopping alone, and there is none to ask for their opinion about the new fascinating shirt I try except of the shop worker.
When I read a great touching quote but ffind no one to share with.
When I plan a birthday party for myself, but I cannot think of anybody to invite, so I end up celebrating with my relatives.
When I read a frienship quote on facebook, and see other people mentioning their bestfriend.
Those are times when I can totally feel the word lonely.
But no matter what, lonely can be beautiful, even though it is sad.
