Chapter 1: Bullied

It all started in seventh grade when Katie, whose name has been changed at her request, moved with her family due to her father’s occupation. Moving was common for her and she was always referred to as “the new girl” in school. However, little did she know that she would immediately be sexually harassed.

“After that, I have had social anxiety for a while. People weren’t receptive to me and the sexual harassment took a toll. Because I was the new girl, I became friends with people I wouldn’t usually socialize with otherwise. Other than that, I didn’t hangout with anyone after school and I was stuck between a rock and a hard place,” Katie said.

She would walk through the hallways with classmates calling her fat, worthless, a waste of oxygen, and a waste of space. There would be constant booking and tripping and it didn’t stop there. In the winter time, kids would throw snowballs at her with rocks in them and in one instance, a cherry bomb. Worst of all, the kids would come up to her and touch her inappropriately during gym class.

Katie gradually stopped eating and instead of attending lunch with her classmates, she would make her way to the library instead. “It was constant inside and outside the classroom and the kids who were the aggravators lived in my neighborhood. The abuse was verbal, physical, sexual, everything in a can of worms,” Katie said.

In eight grade, she became suicidal and a danger to herself. “My parents knew that I was being bullied, but they didn’t know until my senior year of high school about how it effected me physically and emotionally,” she said.

During one visit to her grandparent’s house, she thought that she could play off being a picky eater. “We were at dinner, it was pot roast and I didn’t mind it but it wasn’t my favorite. I took a couple bites and excused myself to the bathroom. Being at the dinner table caused me anxiety. The thought of eating made me sick and I sat in the bathroom and took deep breathes.”

Katie was almost on the vicious path to anorexia, but her mom and grandfather caught her at the right time. Her mother went to the bathroom and told Katie that her grandfather asked if she had an eating disorder. This is when she realized that there was a name for the disorder. After this incident, she started to eat snacks more and her mom would pack her lunch.“My main focus was to not worry my family. I still had all of the guilty feelings there, but I would eat more at dinner when they could see me eating. Even people who didn’t care about me as much started to care.”

Though Katie never had to be hospitalized and is currently continuing to eat regularly, her depressive episodes and thoughts will come back. She has dealt with depression now for 10 years. “Everything becomes a problem in my episodes. I will look at myself in the mirror and say I shouldn’t eat dinner,” she said.

The summer of 2015 took another turn however. Katie had a relapse when she realized that her summer job selling snacks at a pool and working six days a week was effecting her weight and she could see that she couldn't fit into some of her pants anymore. “It sucks to say that this summer, it kicked back in a little.” Due to the long hours at work and her physical condition with her legs, she wasn’t able to get in shape. “I was going through my closest, and nearly none of my pants fit. This effected me in a way that I didn’t think it would. Didn’t touch food for two more days.”

At this point, she was forced into a dependent state. “In my head, I was thinking that I am gaining weight. The only way to do this is to fast again.” Then she clarified, “It’s not like I gained that much weight, it was just enough to go over the edge so that I would be able to fit into pants or skirts.”

Overtime, Katie developed a fear of talking to people and it was not until she attended college that she started making friends and opening up. “I started embracing who I am and not trying to put on a mask. I feel totally comfortable with being myself,” Katie said. To deal with her anxiety, she always carries her rosary and will say some hall marries when she needs to. But a goal that she is still striving for is to be able to fit into those same pairs of pants again soon.

Chapter 2: High Standards

Jenny Schwartz has not only become determined to overcome her eating disorder, but she is also continuing to raise the bar.

“I hit really low weight at the end of seventh grade. I told my parents that it was just stress and that I would put on more weight in the summer” Schwartz said. In eight grade, she reassured her parents again, “Don’t worry, summer will come.”

Yet it didn’t take long for the eating disorder to spin her life out of control and the only control that she had was resorting to controlling her food to a high extent. It was her freshman year of high school that she was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder.

Jenny was on the varsity swim team, the marching band, and a leader for her dance company. In the meantime, she was also taking all advanced classes. “I held myself to really high standards,” she said. “I was constantly comparing myself to the best, I wasn’t the best and I never felt good enough.”

She was exercising intensely and when she thought that she didn’t perform her best, she would discipline herself not to eat. “When you’re exercising intensely and then you’re not eating, your body completely shuts down. It’s a vicious cycle because I wouldn’t eat and wouldn’t perform well and then because I wouldn’t perform well, I wouldn’t eat,” Jenny said.

With the pressure of school and sports, her weight dropped so low that she almost didn’t make it the end of ninth grade. Her weight was only 74 pounds. Though she was able to finish out the school year, this is when she realized that she needed to seek for help.

“I think the biggest thing is admitting to yourself that you have a problem…I didn’t know what other people wanted. So I just assumed that while being as skinny as physically possible would make them want them to be my friend. And then I thought if I can’t control anything else in my life, I will control my weight. That is why I was so rigid about food,” Jenny said.

Luckily, Jenny was able to find the perfect doctor that would push her beyond her stubbornness and would make her eat food that would raise her calories again. “Once I admitted that I had a problem, we were so lucky and we found this one doctor who wanted to help. He was the reason why I initially started to get better. If it wasn’t for him, I would have had to have been hospitalized,” Jenny said.

The doctor told her that if she didn’t put on 20 pounds before tenth grade and didn’t become a healthy weight, she wouldn’t be allowed to tryout for the swim team again. Jenny said, “For me, that was devastating because I felt like the swim team were my people and that’s where I fit into in high school. I felt like being in a group helped show who I am. So the thought of not having that was terrifying.”

That summer, Jenny was put on bed rest and if she exercised, she would have been at risk of a heart attack. Another part of her regiment was to eat 3,500 calories per day, which for her was an insane amount. She told her doctor, “If you’re going to make me eat this, it’s all going to be healthy, or otherwise I am not doing it.” Jenny told me, “I was the most stubborn patient he has ever worked with.”

Despite this, Jenny ended up putting on more weight and something that she looked forward to every was ordering a Dunkin' Donuts coffee coolatta every morning and later in the day, a freeze from Friendly’s and some peanut butter on the side.

“When you start feeding your body it does all of these weird things so when I started giving myself more food, I actually was loosing weight again because your body is all out of whack. Once I put on more weight, I was emotionally feeling a little bit better because your mind can’t think straight when you are malnourished. But there was still so much anxiety around it,” Jenny said.

The biggest reason why she ended up turning her life around and improving was because of the love for her family. “My family are the most supportive people and I am so blessed to have them. My family dynamic was completely messed up. My brother and I are best friends now, but he hated me just because my whole family couldn’t help me. It was all something I had to do and to watch me struggle and hurt myself and for them not to be able to do anything that killed them. So I got better because I love them We are so close as a family,” Jenny said.

Fast forward to college, Jenny is a singer in the Fairfield University Glee Club and is a part of the dance assemble.

“I think it has made me comfortable in my own body. For two years, I literally got up on stage and tap danced and sang in front of a ton of people. That is who I am, that energetic person on stage who likes to just have fun. Glee Club reminds me of that person that I want to be and really am. So when I get down on myself and have a harder day, it’s nice to have that reminder that not everyday is like this. You are not a tired sad person all the time, you are a happy energetic person,” Jenny said.

Jenny is also a fitness instructor at the RecPlex. “I used to have an exercise compulsion with the eating disorder. I can confidently say that I no longer have that. I like to remind people in my fitness classes that you are just here to do your best and your best on one day might not be your best as a mother day. When you exercise, it should be fun.” Jenny teaches kick boxing on Wednesdays at 12:00pm.

However, there is not a day that goes by when she doesn’t think about relapsing. Jenny pulled out a necklace that she was wearing and told me, “I always wear this necklace, This is the eating disorder recovery sign necklace. I never take it off and it reminds me of how far I have come. and to remind myself I know I can do it.”

While Jenny has been on roller coaster ride, her main goal is to help others stay on the right course. “I want people to know that I will be there for them. If they don’t think that they have anyone else, then I will be there for them, even if they never met me. I will be their first person because life is good and when you’re struggling with this it’s hard to see that, but it really is and no one should have to have this dictate your life.”

Chapter 3: Relationships

Kara Reese sat at her kitchen counter on a tall wooden chair and looked through some papers, cards and drawings from a big, blue folder. It was all from her time in the hospital in the summer of 2016.

Her eating disorder didn’t officially start until senior year of high school. But the disorder started with certain behaviors, such as refusing to eat meals, around her sophomore year of high school. This was a very restrictive behavior that developed more as her abusive relationships went by.

Kara has had three abusive relationships and they all in one way or another contributed to who she is today. When she was fourteen, she dated an eighteen year old senior and Kara said that it was basically a summer fling.

One night, they went to a party and he told her that if she wanted him to stay with her, she has to have sex with him. “It became a threat of breaking up unless I did it, so I kind of gave in,” Kara said.

In the middle of the act of having sex with him, when she apologized and told him that she couldn’t do this anymore, he hit her right on the cheek, leaving her with a busted nose and lip. “I never spoke or saw him again,” Kara said. He even called her names like ugly and fat.

But even before the next two bad relationships occurred, it was her high school rowing coach that pushed the disorder more to the edge. Kara was a competitive rower at her high school and at the time was a light weight rower, which meant that she had to weigh under 130 pounds. In order for her to get light weight certified, she had to go to a doctor and get a certificate filled out. No matter what, her coach didn’t want her to race in the light weight category.

“She didn’t let me race in the light weight categories and during the state competition, she had us carbo load for it and then I was only point two over, so then I couldn’t race in light weight. So she told all of the parents that I weighed a 160 pounds and had the girls who rowed lightweight flash their lightweight bracelets around and was like ‘I am a lightweight guys,’” Kara said.

From then on, it was always about the number and this forced Kara to become conscious about her food in order to be light weight. She explained, “Being over a certain number seemed overweight and I saw that as something that was negative. So from then on, being in the 160 pounds zone was a fear and I didn’t want to be around there.”

Nonetheless, the abusive relationships were still the main cause and what triggered the disorder, not necessarily rowing. This coach just happened to be a catalyst for what was to come next. “Being controlled made me think that the only thing that I could control was my weight and what I am eating…I think the coach really kicked it to make it shoot a little further and definitely set it in stone,” Kara said.

Kara wouldn’t eat breakfast and would not eat any junk food or as she calls them “fear foods.” A fear food is any kind of food that someone could get anxiety from like chips or cake for instance since it’s bad for you.

Junior year was the second abusive relationship. Not only was Kara still restricting at this point, but she was also throwing up normal sized meals. “He was controlling over what I wore and what I ate. When I was eating with his family, he would make the plate for me and it would be sectioned off. It was a very controlling relationship and he cared about body image. He thought that if he would have a fat girlfriend, he wouldn’t be a ‘hot shot’. I had to abide by his rules if I wanted to continue the relationship. If I didn’t listen to him, I would been choked out,” Kara said.

During her third relationship, she was sexually assaulted by someone who she thought at first could be called a good family friend.

“I didn’t recognize there being a problem. But he was pushy and a very persistent person. He cheated on me a few times and I thought that I did something wrong. When he was driving me back home from work, I put both arm rests down and a bag in between us and was sitting at the door ready to jump out and yet, he was still able to sexual assault me and grab my seat bell,” Kara said.

This was when throwing up food became apart of her daily routine. Kara said, “I figured that if other people are going to try to hurt me, I might as well hurt myself. People can’t hurt me as much as I can hurt myself.”

It never became clear until later on that what was happening was dangerous for Kara and when it came to her relationships and the eating disorder, she made sure that both were kept a secret. In fact, her mother didn’t know that she had an eating disorder until her freshman year of college.

Although the eating disorder has caused her to plan her day around thinking about food, which makes it strenuous to learn, there is no doubt that the one thing that is keeping her spirits high is the Fairfield U rowing team and her teammates. When she was being hospitalized over the summer, her teammates sent her a card and a bracelet to remind her of what she means to them. “They’re my little brothers and they’re like my family. They have been the greatest support system. The boys have been the rock for me,” Kara said.

That is why she will be taking the rest of the fall semester off. She will use the time to recover and be with her family and she is looking forward to getting better so that she can come back home to her team in the spring semester and compete again.

Kara stated, “I would rather get better and have a successful life. Spring is the time to shine. I am going to make sure that I am coming back.”