There is a moment when I am looking down the road of time. Down the road to moments yet to be had. The years have rolled by. The seconds have turned into minutes. The minutes have turned into hours. The hours have turned into days. The days have turned into weeks. Years have rolled by. And you are not there.
My masters graduation. My thritieth birthday. My wedding day. The birth of my children. A boy and a girl. I am watching them grow up the way you and I did.
It brings tears to my eyes because I realize you are not on vacation. Or you didn't want to come. I remember you are gone and my heart aches in moments like this.
This is the state of missing you. Where time feels like it just stopped at a standstill and I can't even feel. Where what was May 31st made every day after June 1st. When it the very moment you were beginning to fly, I was trying to keep you here. I didn't want to let you go.
I don't feel the same anymore. Every dream, every thought, every future plan. Vanished and gone without a trace. And here I am left wondering what happened? What could I have done to prevent this? Why did this happen? And most of all, what am I going to do now? How will I live without you?
When you went away, a deep sense of evanescence was planted inside of me. The world was not the land of dreams we once walked. Nothing but longing and malaise hang in the air, haunting neighborhood corners, playgrounds, bedrooms and dressers; a cemetery of childhood dreams once had. Where artifacts remain such as films featuring Kirsten Dunst and Christina Ricci, ballarina dolls, diaries, and hope chests- all imbued with the fragrance of you.
I find myself wandering the night looking for something that I can't seem to find. I finally realized that something I could not find was you. I realized you are in a state of limbo where my childhood resides. Your human existence has transformed into one of preservation and remembrance. I feel you but I can't see you. I find mself wandering through old ruins, such as your old apartment complex, your old high school, and the building where you took dance classes.
It does not get easier as the days roll by. While my tears have dried and the rain has made room for sunshine, the pain remains the same. Channels of flashback replace the daily occurrences of my day. Leaving me to wonder will i even make it to tomorrow let alone a master's graduation, a birthday, a wedding, or the rebirth of the children we once were.
