Tequila is like pizza, when it’s good, it’s good. But when it’s bad, well, it’s still pretty good. Why else would so many artists sing that, “tequila makes her clothes fall off” or “one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor”? No songs have been made about gin (much to my disappointment, but I digress). Drinking tequila has one of the most distinctive paths of any alcohol. That girl dancing on the bar? She’s probably on her fourth margarita. That guy who is relentless in his attempts at using cliché pick-up lines on poor unsuspecting girls? He’s most likely on tequila shot number five and in danger of spiraling downward at any moment. That couple sitting quietly in the corner laughing and talking to each other? They’re drinking beer.
If you're anything like me and enjoy tequila, you may have had a night similar to this—the stages of drinking tequila.
Stage 1: The First Shot
If your throat and stomach could talk, then they would probably curse you to hell as that first shot slides down your throat. The burn, the aftertaste and the acidity of the lime are all so shocking to your system. But after that burn subsides and your belly starts to warm, you’re ready. Your stomach and throat are now like, “Let’s do the damn thing.”
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Stage 2: Another Round!
You’re ready, you’re pumped, you and your friend no longer dread the burn—you both welcome it. You probably ordered it directly after the bartender took away the empty glasses. It's go time. There’s no hesitation before you toss it back. You don’t smell it beforehand and psyche yourself out. The training wheels are off, and you feel like a pro.
Stage 3: Stop! Margarita Time!
You have that buzz, you feel like you’re ready to dance, but one more drink can’t hurt before you hit the dance floor. Or, can it?
Stage 4: Who's That Hot Guy Over There?
You worked up quite a sweat on the dance floor after that margarita. You also may have strained your corneas trying to make eyes at the hot guy across the way and now you need to hydrate. Let’s do another shot!
Stage 5: Oh, He Noticed Me! Let Me Try My New Dance Move
You officially made eye contact with that "hot guy." Most likely blurry and hazy eye contact, and he probably isn’t even that attractive, but here we are—four drinks in and everyone looks pretty. You decide that now is the best time to bring out the “Nae-Nae” or whatever new dance move is popular. Does it grab his attention? Probably. In a seductive way? Eh, maybe not. Do you look like a newborn lamb taking its first steps? Oh, absolutely. Does that mean stop? Not in the slightest.
Stage 6: Hey, Bestie—I Don’t Feel So Hot
All those shots, the margarita, the dancing, the flirting and the lack of water are all adding together in a less than desirable outcome. This is the stage of the night when you look at your best friend, and she knows it's time to leave. She also knows that it is definitely time to chug some water. The room is spinning, your mouth tastes like cheap tequila and bad decisions. It’s time to go home. But first, you’ll need a trashcan.
Stage 7: The Morning After
No. Just, no. Go back to bed. Try again tomorrow.
