What is love, why do we fall into it and then act as if it were a choice that we did? It is not a choice to genuinely love someone for all that they are and more. It is not a choice that their quirks, the ones that make up their individuality, the ones that swept us up in an inquiring frenzy, take us by storm and submit us to the downpour. It is not a choice for an emotion to rise up in us, to grab us by the voice, to shake us by our hearts, rattle us by our brains, and it is not a choice that we feel for this one, specific, human being. What is our choice is whether or not we act upon it. Whether or not we go to war with ourselves. Whether or not we destroy who we truly are. Because who are we? Who are we really? Who are you? What constitutes who you are? Is it your intelligence? Your likes and dislikes? Your dreams and passions? If so, do you consider your instincts? Do you consider the imminent feeling deep down inside your core, whose existence is so unfathomable you sit and ponder for awhile about the impact it is currently having on you? Do you count that as who you truly are? So often we forget to pay attention to ourselves. We forget to pay attention to our initial reactions, gut feelings, persistent emotions, and we go along with the “smart choice”, the one everyone says will be better for you in the long run. The one that people tell you you’d be a fool if you didn’t take it and trick ourselves to believe that that is what we really desire. We are trained to make these “smart choices” for ourselves believing that it is in our better interest and will propel us to better happiness down the road, but, will it? How do we know if we can’t tell the future? How do can we know if we don’t go along with it?

When it comes to loving someone else, loving someone for all they are, loving someone who sparks inspiration inside of you and ignites happiness deep in your heart just because they are who they are. Is it worth it to make the “smart choice”?

I did make the “smart choice” once before and it was painfully worth it. Sometimes the reason we take the “smart choice” is because we know that person isn’t right for us at that point in time, that they aren’t who they could become yet. Sometimes the person who evokes that emotion deep down in us needs to grow and become that person who we saw inside of them all along. Likewise, we have to grow as well. It is not entirely the other person. The “smart choice” is thrown at us by Life so that we take advantage of that time to become who we are suppose to be. During that time apart we are meant to learn the lessons that Life wanted us to take away from it, from every ounce of pain that Life gives us there is a pound of happiness that Life adds on to us. The hardest part is having to crumple your feeling for that person in a ball and toss it aside as if you really wanted to. As if it were really easy. All because they simply weren’t meant for you at that time and would hurt you more than help you, even though you somehow knew in the pit of your stomach, in this twisted universe, that person was somehow meant for you. However, when the person causes you pain, and hurts you rather than give you love and joy, that is when you must take the “smart choice”...there are times when the “smart choice” lives up to its name. That’s when the “smart choice” leads you to paths you need.

After I made the “smart choice”, I did go on to do different things. I delved into my love of writing obsessively and wholeheartedly, writing from cover to cover in a frantic spell. Filling the entirety of the pages, even the margins. That’s how I realized my passion for it. I discovered more about myself and strengthened my bonds with the people around me. That’s an interesting thing about the “smart choice”, it gives you new people to connect to afterward that you needed in your life to teach you new lessons. I was always grateful for that. I learned hard lessons from that experience and the many experiences after, yet I’d often think of that person. A few years later I decided to focus entirely on myself, going on a journey to better who I was, to become stronger and more independent. I wanted to build strength physically, mentally, and emotionally. I dedicated myself to myself. It was then that I was unexpectedly faced with my second encounter of the “smart choice”. This person came in my life when I had no intention or plan of a relationship. When I wasn’t seeking anyone. This person was everything I envisioned for myself: Caring, passionate, independent, individual, original, hilarious, kind, and most of all genuine. He was the most genuine individual I had met. These simple adjectives don’t do him justice. He is...that person who I chose the “smart choice” over before.

I spoke in the beginning about how the feeling is not a choice in love. It is that person’s being, it is everything about who they are, it is their quirks, their individuality, it evokes and births this feeling inside of you that no one else can because, to put it simply, no one else is that person. I spoke about how occasionally it’s just not time for that person to be in your life despite having that feeling for them. Time needs to work on that person and you also. That person needs to change into who you always saw them as, into who you knew they could be. Then, randomly, without planning, without any warning, if it’s right, life can throw you two back together. Both new versions of yourself, and yet that same enigmatic feeling still thrives. That is when you can’t say no. That is when I couldn’t say no. That is when the “smart choice” became the most ignorant thing that I could have done.

So would it be worth it? To lose that feeling? Maybe. Maybe it would be for you. For me, once before it was worth it. The second time around would have destroyed me. I say “destroy” because I would’ve destroyed any chance for the of happiness I have been touched by, the once in a lifetime experiences that have been born, and the copious amount of lessons I could not have learned without this person. I would have destroyed some of the greatest moments of my life before they had even had a chance to breathe, to flourish, to change me.

Now when I say “change” I mean reveal parts of who I really am that I had been masquerading. Change does not have to mean that it alters who you are already, but, it could stand to mean that you have learned to love who you are. That this person has shown you it’s okay, that you, all of you, are a beautiful creature in this life, and that has given you the power you’ve been seeking to love yourself and to proudly show who you are to all without remorse. But, as always, I digress, the word “change” is a different conversation entirely…

The second time around when I did try to make the “smart choice”, I fought myself late at night, letting it exhaust itself in my mind. I flooded images of how great life would be in my not too distant future if I took the “smart choice”. How great life had been already; I was at college, had real friends, had accomplishments, but, the “smart choice” didn’t have one pivotal aspect: Feeling. The one feeling I felt when I forced myself to ignore my feelings for this person was regret. Regret that I would say goodbye to one of the most endearingly, intriguing, radiantly special people I’ve gotten to meet. Regret that I would say goodbye to all of those wonderful possibilities that held potential inspiration. There was a potent feeling in my core that told me I was wrong every time I reached for the “smart choice”. I know, I know, what if there was pain again? What if this person wasn’t who he seemed this time around? What if? Was the “smart choice” worth sacrificing the rare treasure you find, the wings you fly on, the beautiful dance to the most elegant melody, or the gift of protection let unto you? I didn’t think it was.

I reluctantly stopped fighting myself, the wars and casualties in my mind became a calming sea of endless possibilities entrenched in an abyss that I had to discover for myself. What I found in the abyss was sparkling treasures that dazzled my sight, dancing with it, causing the corners of my lips to kiss my eyes. I found these wings that fluttered in the atmosphere, tickling my humor and making me laugh from my core. There was this new aura surrounding me that was impenetrable, encompassing this magnanimous guardianship. It gave me the most profound sense of protection in this world that everything was going to be alright, I found a story to save in my heart so that one day I could allow it to flow through my fingers then dance with my pen on the paper, creating a story to a beautiful melody. I found in the pit of it all this feeling and I can only describe it to you as ...right. Whole. Complete. Perfect. The most simple words are the best adjectives I can think of to describe the feeling that you could miss out on. That a lot of people miss out on everyday. That I almost missed out on.

Love is not a choice, but what is a choice is acting upon that love. What is a choice is telling those people who want you to take the “smart choice” no thank you. What is a choice is whether or not you feel it’s right for you at that time. What is a choice is how you act on that love. Whatever you choose, don’t ignore that feeling of love deep rooted inside of you, even if you take the “smart choice”. Let that pain teach you, let it inspire you, let it make room for all the growth you’ll do, accomplishments you’ll achieve, and new people who will come in your life. If you don’t take the “smart choice” then go into that love fearless with a smile. Go into that love knowing either way it turns out, you’re getting the rare experience of genuine feeling. You’re getting the chance to experience another individual for all they are, and all they will be. The choice is yours.