A few years back, I watched this YouTube video of a poem called “How to be Alone” by Tanya Davis and I felt like someone had just described everything I wanted to embody while simultaneously making the words sound beautiful. The poem is musical and rhymes in a way you do not quite notice at first, but can still connect with. Statements from the poem like, “resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone” still run through my head at least once a day. The whole concept became thoroughly enthralling to me and I have since found all these other writings and videos that share this preoccupation with "Alone." The way it comes up again and again from the Christmas “Grinch” aesthetic to the “eat your way through Valentine’s Day” jokes, tells me that being or feeling alone at some point in life is pretty universal. Now, I want to enter the conversation.
Last spring, I traveled to Spain for a week by myself and got to experiment with being alone, up close and personal. I tried out a lot of Davis’s suggestions for what to do while on your own, from going to beautiful churches and hanging out with statues to sitting on benches and eating solo deserts (my favorite was churros and Spanish hot chocolate). However, what I discovered she leaves out about taking yourself dancing or out to a fancy restaurant is how to handle the overwhelming wish to share your thoughts and experiences with another person. Watching the couples drunkenly make out on the dance floor is so much less amusing when you do not get to joke about it with a friend. Although I love dinners of quiet contemplation and I am always a fan of food, staring across the table at an empty chair does not leave a good taste in my mouth. With this in mind, I think that once we can have a good time with ourselves, choosing to reach out and talk to people every once in a while is just as important.
With those past experiences and my continued flirtation with solitude, some of these other people’s stories of embracing the Lonely really hit home, like Mel Mariposa’s blog “Polysingleish.” Others, however, like the recent barrage of different “perks of being single for the holidays,” though still relatable and positive, do not provide that same unconditional validation that I get from Mariposa. As much as I love saving a little extra money by not having to find the perfect gift for that special someone, I think the perks have a little bit more to them than overly sympathetic silver linings.
Regardless, what I liked the most from the readings was this idea that being alone gives you the opportunity to get to know yourself on a deeper level, learning to be your own best friend and lover. By yourself on the street, you might not try out that runway walk you have secretly been working on, but with your best friend why not show it off? I do not walk to class. I strut. Because it is so much fun. To me, being alone is not just about enjoying the extra room in the bed – because I would gladly share with the right person – but it is also being able to experience that safe cuddle bliss by myself or convincing myself it was just a dream when I wake up terrified or crying.
In the end, I think we all at some point hope for companionship and people to share life with, but at the same time we can have these things and still not feel right. If we adamantly follow this “avoid being alone” motto, we may pass right over that mind-blowing, soul-matching compatibility because we had already settled for what was convenient. In her blog, Mariposa brings up a quote by Mandy Hale, “Unless you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness” and I think that could not be more right. So many times, I have noticed myself being with someone and thinking, “This may not be ideal, but it is still better than nothing.” That thought is not true. We all deserve the absolute best for ourselves so why settle for anything less than ideal? Lonely can be painful and sad. It can leave a hole in the pit of your stomach – a craving for intimacy or even just someone to put your arms around.
On the other hand, Alone can also be healthy. It can give you permission to become miraculously in love with yourself. Sometimes I get caught up in front of the mirror just making faces, complimenting my body or trying out pickup lines on myself. You do not have to be narcissistic or vain to love what you see in the mirror. Being in awe of yourself for doing what you do, even if that is getting out of bed in the morning and eating breakfast, does not make you conceited or egotistic. When we realize this, we begin to learn that someone else does not have to be adoring you to make you incredible; we just have to be willing to brave the sensation of lonely to find that feeling. I do not think anyone is meant to be “forever alone” or that after a certain amount of time the craving for connection goes away, but sometimes Alone is necessary. Sometimes, the silver linings to Lonely can outshine the cloud entirely.
