As we round the corner to the end of convention season, it has all finally become a reality: history has been made as a woman has secured the nomination for a major party. Oh also, the human equivalent of a dumpster fire utilizing only Mein Kampf as kindling secured the other nomination. So there’s that.
With all of the rhetoric and controversy that has surrounded Trump over the course of his turbulent election berth, I know that many of my colleagues are left scratching their heads and wondering (often aloud) “How could anyone ever vote for that man?”
Worry not my friends, that is the question that this guide will answer.
Step 1: Decide you’re mad. In fact, you’re mad as hell.
“I’m so mad I could kill a man with a banana!” - You, probably
Step 2: Decide that somebody… anybody?... everybody has to pay
Step 3: Realize that the best way to do the most collateral damage is by utilizing one of your most basic rights as a citizen of democracy and voting.
Step 4: Decide that you’re actively going to cast your vote vindictively. You aren’t just going to throw it away de facto by voting for a third party candidate.
Step 5: Obsessively inhale Fox News to really get into the right frame of mind.
Step 6: Hillary Clinton is literally the incarnation of the devil.
Step 7: Forget that Trump insulted Latinos.
Step 8: Forget that Trump insulted women.
Step 9: Forget that Trump insulted… Honestly, this is going to take too long. Just forget all of it. Literally, all of it. The failed businesses that screwed over employees, the multiple marriages, the brief stint on WWE. Just. Forget.
For those of you who didn’t know about this, you’re welcome.
Step 10: Begin to understand that facts are really just arbitrary.
Step 11: All lives matter!
Step 12: Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams!
Step 13: Look up who Mike Pence is.
Step 14: Decide that Mike Pence gets a pass on his voting record too.
Don’t look him in the eyes though, or he’ll give you whatever Trump gave him.
Step 15: Start to wonder why you don’t really seem to have that many minority friends anymore.
Step 16: Understand that Kim Jong Un, Saddam Hussein, and Vladimir Putin are just really misunderstood.
Step 17: Remember that anyone who disagrees with you is a loser.
Step 18: Get used to long, sleepless nights punctuated with night terrors and cold sweats.
“Hello Darkness, my old friend” — Art, Garfunkel, and you, probably
Step 19: Bake yourself a cake using your tears and the last pieces of your mortal soul. Sweeten to taste.
Step 20: Eat your cake and realize that life is really pointless as you cast your vote for America’s next (and possibly last) president.
There you have it! In 20 simple steps, you too can Make America Great Again! Probably.
