We've all heard the saying "There are three sides to every story; Yours, Mine and the Truth." It speaks about analyzing issues and problem-solving. Using this method of thinking is supposed to help when neutralizing an issue. I think of it differently. I think there are three sides to every story:
Theirs, Yours and The Underlying issue being avoided.
The thing is, there's always an underlying problem that we try to ignore when we are in conflict with someone. When you have an argument with someone there's always something underneath that you're REALLY fighting about instead of what is pouring out of your mouth.
This is something I've noticed recently with someone I care very deeply about. I think we fight most with those we truly care about because we feel so strongly about them. The thing that kills me most, as a very argumentative person, is that when we are in the midst of an issue, we stop listening.
Yeah, we HEAR what the other person is saying. Our ears are picking up their sound waves and our mouth is firing back on autopilot. We don't slow down and think about what's actually being said and what is actually meant. I'm not perfect at this either, but I'm working on it. Here's what I have learned so far:
When you are in conflict with a fellow Human being think about:
Their Side:
The person you're arguing with might be feeling attacked, disrespected, hurt, sad or maybe even angry. They might be feeling unheard or belittled. Start with I messages and speaking in a slower, gentler tone using sentences like "I feel hurt when you..." Don't use You sentences or blaming sentences.
They only escalate the situation. Even if they're voice gets harsher, try to remain speaking kindly and gently but don't forget to address the underlying issue. Remember that it's okay to defend yourself and speak up when you feel wronged.
Your Side:
Realize that you might not be aware of what is upsetting them. It could be one of those "You should know what you did" situations where you actually have no clue what you did. Remember that you too might be feeling attacked or accused and to voice that in a manner that doesn't agitate the person further.
The Underlying Issue:
Look Y'all, we've all had a pretty bad argument where an hour later you have no clue what you were actually fighting about. You wanna know why? BECAUSE WHAT YOU WERE FIGHTING ABOUT ISN'T WHAT'S REALLY UPSETTING YOU!!!!!
Whether it's a couple fighting or friends or siblings, it doesn't matter. What I've learned is we get angry and hyped up about the underlying issue but once the conflict starts, you become more upset about the little things being brought up and that the other person is also upset, causing you forget about what's really eating at you.
If you're feeling underappreciated say "I feel underappreciated when you..." When you're feeling lonely say "I feel kind of lonely because you're busier than I am and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting your time."
The root of all arguments isn't anger. It's fear. I've recently just figured this out and it's helped a lot in the past few weeks. Once we all realize that conflict is a fear-driven beast and we should be kinder and listen to each other more than we will all be happier and our relationships will be not only better off but healthier.
I hope this helps anyone struggling with frequent arguing or just being argumentative in general. I hope this helps people who have someone in their life who is causing conflict, understand that person better. As J.F.K said, "There's nothing to fear, but fear itself."
