Growing up, we have likely heard our parents at one time or another use the quote “comparison is the thief of all joy,” but have we ever really taken it to heart? Social psychologist Maurice Schweitzer says that comparing ourselves to others is in our nature as humans. “We are hardwired to engage in comparisons. That is, we can’t get away from it, and we’re doing it to try to make sense of our world,” he said.
It starts at a young age. Perhaps we have distant memories of being jealous of our playmates as children, maybe we wanted a certain toy that they had or were envious when they performed better than us in a particular sport or game. As we get older, the comparing doesn’t go away but is instead just associated with more serious topics. Now maybe we compare ourselves to our college aged peers, feeling disappointed when they achieve a better grade on a test, land a great internship, or simply appear to have it all together more than we do.
In turns out even monkeys engage in social comparison. In a study by scientist Frans de Waal at Emory University, capuchin monkeys were all given a slice of a cucumber. When all the monkeys received the same reward, they were all happy. However, when a couple of them received grape while the rest received more cucumber, things went south quickly. Upon realizing their neighbor had something they didn’t have, the monkeys without a grape grew visibly upset, throwing the cucumber back in the experimenters face.
Clearly, comparison is a normal part of life. However, it becomes a problem when our comparisons of others take away from our own happiness. There will always be someone who is more successful, more attractive, or wealthier than we are. If we always let comparison consume us, then we will never be able to achieve real satisfaction and appreciation of our own lives.
If it is unlikely to ever make comparison go away completely, then we have to find a way to make it into something good. Thankfully, there are ways to make comparison a positive thing. For example, we could transform it into a healthy source of motivation, helping us to work harder to reach our own goals. Studies have shown that people perform better when there are rivals present.
Make comparison work for you by recognizing it for what it is and not allowing it to take over. Learn to try to be proud of your friend when something great happens in their life and know that someone else’s achievement is not the absence of your own.
