Every now and then, when I’m not studying or running around trying to fulfill all of my obligations, I get a few minutes to think about the fact that I’m single. Most of the time I’m not bothered by the fact that I’m single and that’s probably because I’m so busy with classes, campus activities, my job and my friends I don’t get to ponder single-hood very often. But there is always a moment when I see a couple on campus being all “couple-y” or when a holiday like Valentine’s Day comes around and “love is in the air,” that I think about the type of person I would like to be with.
I’m actually not into the idea of making a “checklist” for my relationships, but I do think about the standards that I have for both myself and another person I’m going to be intimate with. I named this article “The Right Relationship Checklist” because it’s a checklist that has certain standards and needs that I believe should (generally) be met in a healthy relationship. It doesn’t have much to do with the typical checklist of “he or she has to have blonde hair and love spontaneity.” Obviously, everyone has individual differences and preferences for their romantic relationships, but there is a lot of overlap of certain aspects of a relationship that most (but not all) people need.
Even though I am not in a relationship right now, I think that this checklist is a good start for deciding whether or not a new (or existing) relationship is worth it. So here we go!
- They are supportive of your life outside of the relationship.
Do they encourage you to pursue your dreams, hobbies, familial relationships and friendships outside of the relationship? If not, be careful, because that’s how a lot of abusive relationships start out. One person isolates their partner from family and friends whether it be because of jealousy or insecurity. Personally, I need someone who enjoys freedom and having their own life. It’s not that I don’t want to be a part of their life, it’s that I don’t want to be their life, and vice versa. On the other hand, I have two professors that are married, teach classes together and spend all of their time outside of work together. I would find this type of relationship suffocating, but they couldn’t be happier. Support and freedom are defined by your own preferences. Some people love the kind of relationship where their partner and them work together and play together, and others don’t. As long as you feel supported, it doesn’t matter what others think.
2. They aren’t trying to change you, but they aren’t afraid to set boundaries either.
It may be a hard pill to swallow when we know we are at fault, but it’s better to have someone who has standards and isn’t afraid to let us know when we’ve crossed boundaries. It builds respect. At the same time, this person should just be setting boundaries, not trying to change everything about you. The right person for me is someone who loves me for who I am, but at the same time isn’t going to let me walk all over them. There is a fine line in a relationship between setting boundaries and trying to change someone. If you find that you keep trying to get someone to act differently all the time, it may not be that you are setting a boundary, you may just be trying to change that person.
3. You fight “fair” with one another.
Are you constantly fighting with this person? Are your emotions boiling over that you end up in explosive fights with insults being slung back and forth? This is not a good sign in a relationship. Yes, everyone disagrees at some point, and yes, everyone has rocky moments in a relationship, but the key word is moments, not on a weekly basis. Fighting “fair” means keeping your respect for the other person in tact even when you have a disagreement or a fight. I expect conflict every now and then, but I didn’t grow up in a house with name calling and door slamming, so I couldn’t be with someone who fights that way. I don’t think it’s healthy to fight that way, especially if it’s happening all the time.
4. They (at least) make an effort to meet your needs.
We’ve all been in those relationships where the other person is just too different from us; either personality or lifestyle wise and they can’t meet our needs. Having someone meet your needs means that you have communicated what those needs are and they are considerate of your needs. No one is going to be able to meet your needs every moment of every day, but someone who at least tries is a real catch in my book.
5. You both find each other attractive and are sexually compatible.
For most people, physical attraction doesn’t grow. So it’s important to be with someone you find physically attractive. Just to clarify, I am in no way saying that you have to be with people who are only “drop-dead gorgeous” or have “supermodel good looks,” but you do need to find them attractive. And sexual compatibility can mean a lot of things. For instance, you’re both waiting until marriage. Or maybe you’re both not into waiting. It could also mean how frequently you get physically intimate or how adventurous you are. For a relationship to be sustainable, you have to be more than emotionally, intellectually and spiritually compatible. It doesn’t mean you’re going to marry this person, but you don’t really want to spend months, or even years, miserable because you’re trying to be compatible with someone you’re not that physically attracted to or sexually compatible with. Like the saying goes, “When sex is good, it’s 20 percent of the relationship, when it’s not, it’s 80 percent.
6. You both try to make what’s most important to each other a priority in your lives.
Not only should your relationship be a priority to them, but what makes you happy should be a priority as well, and vice versa. What I mean by this is that there are going to be differences in what’s important to you both. Your partner should be making some of the things that are important to you, more of a priority than they would have before they met you. If they know you love art, then they buy you tickets to an art gallery opening. If your partner is a huge sports fan, then every time there’s a game you try to show interest and understand what’s going on in the game. If someone finds something important that you are finding a real problem with making a priority or finding important, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad partner. It just means, you may need to find somebody who finds something important that you are okay with making important in your life as well.
7. You both take pride in each other’s accomplishments.
Want to ruin a relationship real fast? Be jealous of your partner’s accomplishments and it should be over in no time. Now, if you happen to be with someone who is constantly trying to out do you, run! You will resent this person and they will always be jealous of whatever it is you accomplish...of course, that is, as long as you never out-accomplish them. This unhealthy competitiveness is never good for a relationship. Someone who proudly gloats about you to all their family, friends and co-workers is the person you want to be with. Everyone deserves to be built up, not torn down, by their partner.
8. You have enough common interests to keep the conversations going.
The first relationship I was ever in was with a really nice guy, but after a few months we were both grasping at straws to keep our conversations going. We just didn’t have enough in common to be together for very long. You can really enjoy somebody’s company, but it doesn’t mean that you have enough in common to keep the conversations alive. Plus, having someone who enjoys the same, or similar, hobbies as you is always great. You can spend time together bonding over a shared hobby or interest. If you don’t have some sort of common passion, hobby or interest it can be difficult (but not impossible) to be together for longer than a few weeks or months.
9. They have the same views about monogamy as you do.
Let’s face it, not everybody is good at monogamy and not everybody wants to be. I’ve known people who were in love, but one person wanted other partners, whether it be emotionally or sexually, and the other person didn’t. This is a controversial topic, but you will make your life so much easier if you seek out partners who want what you want.
10. The relationship feels “easy,” but you make an effort to keep one another on your toes (in a good way).
In comfortable relationships, it is all too easy to become complacent. This happens when we stop caring about what we look like, stop trying to impress our partner and stop growing in order for them to know us a little less. What do I mean by “get to know us a little less”? I mean that if you think you know everything about your partner, then 1) you don’t and 2) how can you keep a little novelty and excitement in the relationship if you know everything there is to know? Isn’t one of the points of life to keep discovering things about the world, yourself and others? You never really know everything about another person because you’re not in their head. Their thoughts are still their own, even if they tell you what those thoughts are much of the time. Relationships that have a natural flow to them and are easy to be open and honest in are the best, but they still require a little mystery to continue to be exciting.
Well, that’s my right relationship checklist. Being in a relationship is fun as long as it’s with the right person for us. Otherwise being single starts to look like the best idea ever. But I hope this checklist was helpful and if you feel that I missed any key aspects of a relationship, then definitely comment below!
