The TV series "Desperate Housewives," might have aired back in 2004, but I was only eight then. (Not that it stopped my parents from letting me watch it. Seriously, guys how'd I get away with that?) That questionable factor aside, I recently became reacquainted with this quaint little show and let me tell you: I'm hooked! This being the case, I thought it would be nice to start a reoccurring set of articles in which I review a certain movie, book, music album, play, or musical and give you guys the down-low. I call it "The Review." (Like "The View," but less angsty) So, without further ado, I give you my thoughts on season 1 of "Desperate Housewives."

Starting off, you're thinking, "Wow, these houses are great, these women are beautiful, their husbands are handsome--What could possibly go wrong?! ... Oh, wait, the perky one just killed herself." Thus, begins this rather complicated story line.

I'm rather fond of shows with this many characters, mostly because I can fully disconnect while watching for mere necessity. Forget my problem's, Lynette's children are in the pool at Mary Alice's funeral and she walked in fully clothed to pull them out like some kind of revolutionary badass! However, the one problem with this program is that you can't multi-task. No playing Sims or cleaning your room. You can barely even eat without missing something important. But that's the hand you've been dealt and honestly, you don't even care because you're so immersed in it all.

As far as characterization goes, Bree Vand de Kamp is my favorite, hands-down, there are no other competitors whatsoever. OK, so I lied, I'm rather fond of Lynette Scavo as well, but I'll get to her in a second. The beauty of Bree's character is that she is simultaneously the hard-core Republican mother with a fake smile of agony and a professional thrower of shade. (Compared to say, RuPaul?) She has underlying crazy and it shines through... for instance, this scene:

I'm pretty sure, I cried for like ten minutes after she said this. It was just so iconic. Also, let's not forget the incident with the onions? Who forgets that their husband is allergic to onions? I mean, I'd totally do the same thing if I was as distracted as she was, but still, we aren't talking about me here.

The only thing that made my Bree obsession even worse were our last scenes with her. Seeing someone who is constantly pulled together and perfect no matter what throughout the show, break down and cry like that was so unbelievably heartbreaking. I mean, I'd watched the show before, so Rex's death didn't hit me as hard-- I'd known from the get-go that he was going to die. But, having to watch this woman that is anything but emotional cry at her dining room table all alone like that really knocked me off my feet. (And not in the good way.) I applaud Marcia Cross for her acting, she's a goddess! Truthfully, I can't wait to see where this all goes, but in the back of my mind, I somehow know there will be some great moments to come.

Lynette also has some classic moments, but I guess my draw to her would have to lie in the fact that even though I aspire to be a Bree, I'm realistically a Lynette. I don't really like kids, I want to have a long lasting career but somewhere along the way I ended up in suburbia. Who doesn't feel for her? She is the classic representation of the repressed wife. Yet, the intriguing aspect of her lies in the fact that she doesn't just sit down and take it-- she fights back! If that doesn't tell you how much she loves her husband, I don't know what else could. Yes, she repressed, but her life is fulfilled-- right?

Gabrielle Solis was one of the prime offenders of the plot marry-go-round this season. Looking back, I somehow thought her story line this season was her entire story line. Boy, was I wrong. She was my second favorite as a child, mostly because she gives her husband hell yet, looking back I'm stumped by one little detail in this. I don't know if you adults out there had teenage daughters around this time, but I'd like you to remember a little film called “John Tucker Must Die.”

Gabbie's gardener, John Rowland, played by Jesse Metcalfe, was also in this movie. At first glance, you might just think, "Ok, yea, Jesse Metcalfe was the lead in that movie. He's also on this show. Good for him." But I want you all to think about the implications of this. Both of their names are John.

Look, I know, this isn't technically the same universe, but in my heart, it is. Just imagine John Tucker having all these girlfriends at school and then coming home and messing around with Gabbie? It's kind of a neat twist, admit it.

All of that aside, my one scruple with Gabbie, and Carlos as well, is the underlying tone of domestic violence. It sort of has already happened with incident surrounding the signing of the post-nup, but I have a feeling that it's going to get much worse from here. Naturally Gabbie is going to play hard-ball, but this little bit doesn't exactly add anything to the story for me.

I'm not going to lie, Susan Meyer is not my favorite character simply for the fact that she's the mopey comic relief. Don't get me wrong, she's vital to the whole Mike side of this plot but she seems like more of a child than Julie-- her daughter-- does. I will admit though, she's had some great moments as well. One of the greatest being the time she got stuck in the floor of Mike's house. #Classic

To be fair again, I am kind of worried about her at the present time, Zack is a psychopath. (What a surprise, I know) Obviously she and Mike both live, but it's the way in which they come out of it alive that intrigues me.

As far as the main plot of the series (Mary Alice's) goes, I was fairly surprised at the last episode. Often times, I ruin things for myself because my writer brain kicks in and wants to resolve things for others, but it was stumped this time because up until the last few episodes, I thought Dana was still a baby girl. (And they say internalized sexism isn't real)

I kind of knew Zach was Dana, but for some reason I was thinking sex-change when I should have been thinking unconventional name. Way to go writers, you fooled us all there.

However, I find the ending to this mystery a bit raw-- kind of like the simple part of my brain doesn't want to accept that a woman who was heralded all season to be a literal angel would kill someone because they wanted their baby back. Maybe you thought so as well? Yet, the writer is me, says no. This one little bit of Mary Alice's selfishness says so much about her as a person and I think we'd lose something without it.

She wanted to have a baby so badly, she was willing to kill for him. After all, Bree told us that this wasn't just an expression. We should have seen it coming, but I personally didn't want to. Whether or not I've won you over with my well-placed ethos is unknown to me, but you have to admit, the twist does make things interesting.

So, as things stand, Rex is dead, Andrew's gay, Bree's broken, Susan's being held up at gun point, who knows where Paul is, Mike has just come home, Tom is pissed at Lynette for losing his promotion, she's going to have to go back to work, (Yes! There is a god!) Gabbie is pregnant because Carlos tampered with her birth control pills, Carlos is already in jail for being a suspected "gay beater,” and Gabbie hates him for pretty much everything.

That's all your spoilers, but I'd like to know what you think about all of this. Was there something important that I missed? Have you been waiting to talk about this show for twelve years? Leave your thoughts in the comments! I'd love to know how you feel!

Until next time, I'm Brooke Johnson and this has been--

*Crowds everywhere stand up and cheer*

The Review!

*Drastic applause and credit role to cheesy elevator music*