Before I get into this, I just want to say I don’t like using the word “hate." The only time use it is when I really dislike something. For example, I can say that I hate traffic. I can also say that I hate snakes. Hell, I can even say I hate when a Hot Pocket is cold in the middle. But you know something that I hate even more than all of those things combined?

Clowns! Oh yeah, I said it! I hate clowns! Now, I know there’s someone out there that’s probably thinking to themselves, “Derrick you’re a grown ass man. Why are you afraid of clowns?” First I would say “shut up Steve!” Then I would say, “So? Why shouldn’t you be afraid of clowns is the real question.”

I remember when I was nine years old, when I first watched the Stephen King movie “IT” for the first time. I watched the first ten minutes of that damn movie and was traumatized. When I finished that movie, I could barely sleep at all that night. I tried to close my eyes and fall asleep, but all I could see is Penny Wise The Clown's evil face saying, “They all float down here.” I know someone is saying, “Well it’s just a movie." Uhhh yeah, I know that but that doesn’t make it any less scary. I mean, think about how clowns act. They are always so energetic and happy. I mean OVERLY HAPPY. Like why? There isn’t anything in this world that can make anyone damn happy the way clowns are. It’s like they have a secret agenda and are laughing at something we don’t know about. I mean, I know it’s all for the entertainment of kids, but damn you smiling in my face with white make up and lipstick is not screaming safe zone buddy.

That’s’ not even the crazy part. Years ago, I remember my mom and I were going through some old pictures of me for a scrap book. We came across some pictures of me as a baby during my first birthday. There were some cute pictures of me with my family and friends. Good times right? Wrong. One of the last pictures I came across was a picture of me sitting on a clown’s lap. I looked confused in the picture while he had a whole other expression. He looked pissed off to be holding me and his face read, “Get that damn camera out my face!” What’s worst was he was holding a cigarette in the other hand! A cigarette! My mom was laughing hysterically at the photo while I looked at the picture in disgust. Who the hell smokes Newport cigarettes around a bunch of one year olds as a clown? You see why I don’t mess with them?

Look, I know at the end of the day clowns are people like you and me trying to make a living. Hell, I even still love Ronald McDonald and Homie D’ Clown from “In Living Color.” But my mom always told me to trust my gut on things and my gut has been telling me every since I was a kid that clowns have a hidden agenda. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s to imprison everyone in a tiny car or make the world full of clowns, but either way it's no good.

So if you’re a clown in the world and are reading this, you may not all be evil but just know this: I’m watching you! Peace.