According to the Myers-Briggs test, there are 16 possible personality types a person can have. After taking the test, you are given a four-letter combination that is meant not to be a label, but a valuable piece of knowledge you can use as a guide to understanding yourself and the people around you better. The first letter is either I or E for introvert or extrovert; the second letter is S or N for sensing or intuitive; the third letter is T or F for thinking or feeling; and the final letter is either P or J for perceiving or judging.
There is not a "best" personality type to have, as all sixteen of these types have their pros and cons. That being said, every type has the potential to be misunderstood, misjudged, and criticized wrongly. In this article, I am hoping to clear up misconceptions people may have regarding what is known as "the INFJ doorslam". (Note: doorslamming isn't necessarily specific to INFJs only, as it is often a necessary part of life for other types as well; however, INFJs in particular are known for doing this, and I hope that in this article I can clearly state the intentions that I and others like me often have in doing the doorslam.)
Doorslamming is what a person does when they have been violated in someway. No matter how patient or compassionate a person is, we all have our breaking points, we all have lines that can be crossed, and sometimes, for our peace of mind we have to do the doorslam to someone who has gone against one or more of our values.
Personally, I am most likely to doorslam someone who mistreats another person, be it me or someone else. One of my very first Odyssey articles is about a teacher that I had to doorslam. I had her during my sophomore and junior years of high school, and for some reason, she seemed like a completely different person the second year I had her. The first year with her was amazing, and that class was one of my favorites. The second year I had her, she refused to show me any respect and lashed out at me in anger on an almost daily basis. She wondered why I had become so quiet and so rarely participated in class discussions. She would ask me what was wrong after yelling at me, as if nothing had just happened. She made me feel like I was a waste of her time and like I was the worst student ever.
If I could have doorslammed her sooner, I would have. But once the school year ended, I made sure to completely shut her out of my life. Eventually, I was able to say that I loved her and forgave her from a distance and had peace of mind again. It was incredibly freeing to do the doorslam in this instance. Sometimes, the thought of it filled me with anger and bitterness because I even had to consider the doorslam in the first place, but I later came to realize that this was truly the best thing to do.
I recently had to doorslam a person I met in college.
Things were fine between me and her for most of the semester, or so I thought; but the very last week of the semester, things went downhill quickly because she began treating me with rudeness and disrespect. I had to work to earn her favor; nothing I could say or do was enough to satisfy her expectations of me. I spent several weeks crying myself to sleep and dealing with immense heartache because of this. But eventually, I began to heal emotionally, and I was able to tell her that I would love her and forgive her from distance, but I would not tolerate any sort of relationship with her if she was going to treat me with such disrespect.
Truthfully, I didn't want to doorslam her. I wanted to work things out. I wanted there to be another way so desperately. I was begging her to just be patient and kind and work with me. But her stubbornness never changed, and even though I hated having to do it, I doorslammed her.
In both of these situations, there were a lot of tears shed, nights that I couldn't fall asleep because of the pain, times when I couldn't focus on anything else because it was just too much. But doing the doorslam led to healing for me. It was a way for me to get the pain off my chest, and move on. Doorslamming such hurtful people allowed me to get them and their hurtful words and actions off of my mind so that I could be at peace again, at last. And I think it is safe to say that if I had not doorslammed people like them, there would have been far more times that I couldn't stop crying, nights I couldn't sleep, days when I couldn't focus on anything else. At first it is difficult because of the adjusting that happens right after a doorslam, but soon, things start looking up again. After a little time, life gets better and you don't feel so burdened by the person who wronged you.
This is the truth about doorslamming:
It could easily be seen as an act done out of enjoyment or pleasure that only the most harsh, cruel people would do. But "harsh" and "cruel" don't describe INFJs at all. We are some of the warmest, kindest people you could ever meet, and although we prefer to have just a few close friends, we will be polite and gracious with just about anyone. We do the doorslam out of necessity, not enjoyment. Because peace of mind is better than continuing to allow a toxic relationship, just hoping that by some miracle, the person will change.
