I am not where I want to be, and that’s okay. However, I am no longer in the same position as I was months ago, and I can only thank God for giving me such persistence and strength to make it through one of the darkest, challenging, and grueling trials of my life.
I recently turned nineteen not too long ago, and as someone who is no stranger to suicidal thoughts and urges, this was groundbreaking. At the beginning of the year, I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it. It felt like I was hanging onto an edge of a cliff, and below me were raging waves and jagged rocks waiting for me to fall and drown in my failures, and everything I couldn't do but wished I did.
Most of the headlines on the news make my heart break. How can I possibly be happy when there are natural disasters everywhere? When a man made error is destroying the place I call home? An everyday headache that comes with our current administration? In my personal life, I lost so much. In health, family, motivation, and friendships. When an injury is so severe, say a burn, it leaves a scar that is noticeable. The pain I felt was so deep it left a scar that ran through my entire life. There was more food on my plate if I even bothered to eat. Distinct eye bags that left people saying, “wow you should get some sleep tonight!” And of course, the alarming decline of energy and hope.
To be at the point in my life where I can talk/write about this is similar, but also different to others like me. For me, it includes many talk sessions, praying and recognizing that despite all chaos thrown my way, I was created and intended to have a longer story to share.
I understand, that my journey of recovering is no over night stay. There will be more days that feel like I am making no progress, or nights that feel like I am going backward. For all I know, I won't recognize the point where I will be completely healed from this chapter because I will be new. The goal of this kind of recovery is not intended to go back to what I was, but to become something better and stronger. Like the skin all over our body, I will not stay or be the same.
The power of God's grace is incredible. Hope is everything.
The sun rises every morning, so will I.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
