I don't think I've ever dealt with something as frustrating and discouraging as recovering from an eating disorder. Nothing about the process has been easy, let alone simple. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for people to assume that recovery is similar to a wound healing. They think after a few weeks, it's over. No more restricting/binging/purging. They think it's only the physical acts that stop, because in their mind the disorder is only the actions.

The reality couldn't be uglier or more unclear. What's left behind is a body craving nutrients, a stomach uncertain how to handle food and a mind left in shambles. Each and every food has either a negative or a positive association with it. There's this idea that if you eat too much one day, you can't have as much the following day. You become convinced that you can't eat at certain times of day.

You become convinced that you need permission to eat at all.

Sometimes after I eat something "bad" like chocolate or cupcakes, I can feel the calories turning into fat and immediately going to my stomach and hips. I swear I can feel my body putting on more weight. When I tell my boyfriend this, he reassures me that I haven't gotten bigger, but he can't see how ballooned I feel. It comes down to the way you perceive yourself.

Such a large part of eating disorders is the way it changes your mind and perceptions, hence the reason it's called a mental disorder. I perceive certain foods as bad and others good. I perceive myself as looking far different than what people tell me I look like. Part of me thinks I've never seen what my body really looks like. My mind distorts my view of myself. It's a trap and it's a nightmare.

There'll be times where I can eat what I want and not feel anything, and there'll be times where I eat one thing then feel like shit about myself for the rest of the day. It's a guilt that overwhelms you until you do what you think will burn off those calories. I may not be binging and purging anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm at all recovered from my disorder. In fact, I still have a long way to go.

If you are someone in recovery or you know someone who is, please be patient. You will relapse, but that is okay. There's no shame in moving backward because at least you're moving at all. As long as you're making a conscious effort to get better, that's all that matters. Recovery isn't something that can be forced onto someone. It's up to the individual to decide that they want it. Otherwise, there's the risk that more damage will be done.