I’ve had allergies my entire life. My mom says I was born with a dairy allergy. I remember always having to bring my own special pizza and cake to birthday parties, never quite being able to explain why to my friends. All I knew was that “normal” food would make my stomach hurt if I ate it. Until we figured out all of my many allergies when I was 10, I constantly felt gross and usually spent my school days in the nurse’s office.

In the past years I’ve undergone countless itchy skin tests to determine all of my allergies. With each round of testing, the list of foods I could eat shortened. Though the discovery of new allergies is always disappointing and frustrating, I know eliminating foods is the best thing for my health.

I wish I could say everything has been a smooth ride, but that would be a blatant lie. Allergies have been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember, and it’s unlikely that will change. I began carrying an EpiPen and Benadryl with me everywhere in seventh grade, and I never risk eating if I don’t have one with me for some reason. I’ve always brought by own lunch to school because I can’t trust the school’s food. Going out to eat with friends is more complicated for me; I can’t just grab pizza or fast food with them, because I know food from any of those places could easily kill me. I always have to check the menu and read reviews before I try a new restaurant.

Along with multiple food allergies, I also have environmental allergies, which are much more difficult to avoid. I can’t control the perfume or cologne my classmates wear. Despite my school being latex free, people bring in balloons on a continuous basis and some science still teachers use latex gloves in their classrooms. I have a deathly airborne and contact allergy to latex, so if a balloon pops and I breathe that air, I will have an allergic reaction. Since people choose not to listen to the multiple emails sent out, or think the rules don’t apply to them, I’ve had completely avoidable allergic reactions at school.

In November of 2016, I went into anaphylactic shock after eating at one of my favorite restaurants, which triggered a phase of increased allergy anxiety. Even if something was labeled certified gluten free, I still feared that somehow, in the factory, there was cross contamination, and I would get sick. Maybe those strawberries had been grown near a wheat crop, or the rice that made the rice flour in my pretzels had touched wheat. I couldn’t fully trust restaurants to avoid cross contamination. I wouldn’t, and still won’t eat from a bag that has already been opened by someone else or let anyone stick their hand in a bag of snacks. You never know what that person ate before, or what was on their hands. I only share drinks with my mom, or my gluten free friends, because I know there’s no risk of cross contamination with them.

In all honesty, allergies are terrifying, and control my life. It scares me to know that I could stop breathing or become extremely ill at any given time, regardless of how careful I am to avoid foods or places that will likely have an allergen present. I could eat try a new food without knowing I’m allergic to it.

I have over 20 allergies, and yes, I hate every single one of them. I’ve never had “real’ pizza, or Nutella. I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve eaten “real” ice cream. Fast food? Haven’t had it in over a decade. I forget what bagels, apples, challah, and my old favorite foods taste like. I don’t have the ability to eat whatever I want like most of my friends. To be blunt, allergies suck. They took away my freedom to be a carefree child and reckless teenager. After experiencing anaphylaxis once, I’m even more cautious of what I eat. I remember the effects the epinephrine had on me so vividly, and I never want to feel that again if I can help it. My heart rate was so high I could feel my heart beating in my entire body. It made me shake to the point where I couldn’t walk or stand, and I could barely speak to explain what happened to the doctors.

Living with allergies for so long has taught me to be an advocate for myself. I’m always the one that talks to waiters and chefs when I go out to eat to ensure my food is prepared safely. I’ve been able to travel to other countries and find safe food, sometimes with the help of a friend that can translate. I consider myself very aware of what foods could pose a threat or have a deathly ingredient hidden. I’m a pro at politely declining snacks offered to me at a friend’s house or a class party at school.

Of course, I wish I didn’t have allergies, but at the same time, I don’t know who I would be without them, as stupid and cheesy it sounds. They’re part of what make me unique, and sometimes slightly neurotic. Without them, I probably would not have the self advocacy skills I possess, or the confidence to speak up for myself.

Hopefully, scientists will find a method to rid people of allergies during my lifetime. Until then, I’ll keep bringing my own Gavi-safe food everywhere I go. And yes, I will always wear my medical ID bracelet and carry a wristlet or purse for my EpiPen with me.