Recently, I have been writing a lot of humorous listicles. This time, I would like to try something different. I want to talk about the real reason why I have never had a boyfriend. I want to write about this and let it all out because I have been asked this same question multiple times throughout my life by friends and family members: "When are you going to get a boyfriend?"
I have always told them that I just haven't found the right guy, but the real answer? I'm just not ready... and I am not ready for personal reasons. So, buckle up my beautiful readers because s**** about to get deep and real.
They say you must love yourself first before you love someone else, and well... I don't love myself. I don't love myself at all. I don't believe I am beautiful. I would love to be able to love myself; to love my body and to love my mind. Sadly, I do not.
This would be hard for anyone in my life to believe because I sometimes come off as a confident person. I come off as confident, funny, driven, sassy, and quirky. They only see what's on the outside. They don't see what I am on the inside because I hide the real me. I don't like to feel vulnerable and to let everyone know every single detail about me. In full honesty, I am a very insecure person. I don't feel like I would be good enough or anyone. I have personal issues with myself that I know I have to fix first before I start to love someone else.
When it came to guys who had feelings for me in the past, I have always been the one to stop them feeling that way. They never understood why. I never gave them an answer, and if I did give them an answer it would be something I pull out of my butt like, "I think we'd be better off as friends." After giving that excuse I either ghost them or push them away.
Each of them were genuinely amazing in their own way, and they would've been the perfect boyfriend material. None of them ever did anything wrong, but I ended up doing the usual and leave them--it's what I did all the time. It's what I am used to doing. I wouldn't want them to waste their time because I know I would be the one to end it whether he was a good guy or not. To make things simpler: I just hate the feeling of falling in love with a guy. I am terrible at it. I hate it, I don't like the way it makes me feel—I'm not ready for that yet.
Obviously, I will eventually get over this struggle of mine. The struggle of not loving myself enough and being insecure, but when I do get over this that is when I will be giving some lucky guy a chance because that is when I will be open to falling in love.
But at this point in my life, I am just not emotionally ready because I need to learn to love myself first before loving anyone else. It wouldn't be fair of me to keep a guy around who does have feelings for me, because I know I would be the one to end things with him regardless. It wouldn't be fair for him. It wouldn't be fair for me.
If you are struggling with this same issue, just know that there are steps to loving yourself. If it's body image you are struggling with, you could try looking at the mirror every morning and telling yourself, "I am beautiful." I know, pretty cheesy. But hey! It gets you smiling that's for sure. If it's something mentally that you are struggling with, you could try meditating at calm environments where there are no distractions. When meditating, try to think about everything that you love about yourself. Say the words to yourself and believe them.
I honestly can't wait for the day I do get to love someone and give him everything I have: my support, my companionship, my love. Unfortunately, it's just not right now. I don't love myself right now, and that's a problem I'm just going to have to learn to fix in the future.
