When I met him, my life seemed to turn upside down. I felt like I couldn’t stop smiling even when I tried. Every time my phone vibrated, I hoped and prayed that it was his response. Meeting him felt like one of the luckiest moments of my entire life. If I could go back to that day and push myself away from being introduced to him, I feel like I would do it; so why do I also feel like I wouldn’t?

He and I dated for a little less than three months. The first month was amazing. Every single day that I got to see him felt well worth the waits in between. We called almost every single night, and I would wake up exhausted the next morning not caring about the bags under my eyes. It seemed to be perfect all the way up until my great grandmother died. We spent two weeks apart with only a few calls and texts, and everything was different. It seemed to be all about him, and I needed to comfort him when I was at one of the hardest times in my life. He made sure that I knew when I messed up, but I pretended he was perfect in my eyes to avoid confrontation. If I didn’t call him one night, I was “obviously avoiding him and did not love him.” But he was right. I did not truly love him. I merely got swept away by a teenage romance.

I felt forced to tell him I loved him because I was afraid he would throw a tantrum otherwise. On top of that, he tried to break up with me three times. The first was right after my Nana died because he felt like we were not connecting anymore. I tried to give him attention even though I was silently wishing that he would give me a hug, tell me he was sorry and that I would be okay. The second time was over voicemail when I was at rehearsal; he thought I was ignoring him all day, so he told me that we were done and hoped we would stay friends. I called him sobbing after I got home from rehearsal explaining everything and apologizing as fast as I could. The last time lead to my breaking point. I felt exhausted, broken and trapped in a relationship that made me feel like I was worth almost nothing. I let him dump me over text because I could not take it anymore. The worst part? A few days later I could not stop crying over how much I missed him. After everything that had happened, I still missed having him in my life. Through all the fights, all the self-doubt, all the times of having to fix myself for him, I still felt a deep pain from not talking to him every day.

He accused me of forming lies about him to my friends and told me that he heard I had cheated on him. No matter how awful he made me feel about myself, I never would have betrayed him and gone behind his back to cheat on him. He blocked me on every means of communication and shut me out. I was nothing to him. A week later, he had unblocked me and begged to be friends again after he realized that all the lies were false. I could not handle it at this point. Of course, I wanted to be friends. But I needed a break. I needed time to clear my head and focus on myself for a while because time was the only way I could heal. He got angry with me for wanting a break and disconnected from me again.

About four months later, I found peace with him and we became friends again. Recently, he messaged me and told me that being friends was too hard for him, and I messed with too much in his life. Blocked again. Although I still miss him, it is best that I stay away.

After all this time, I still miss him despite the struggles. It isn’t healthy, I know, but it is still something I face. The hardest part is that he had already moved on after a month of being broken up and he began seeing someone. I, on the other hand, have faced the opportunity to date one or two really awesome guys since then, but I still feel damaged emotionally. I can’t see myself with someone because he implanted the idea in my head that I am not good at relationships. I am incapable. There are many more details of those three months that I did not bring up because I do not even know how to begin describing them. But one day, I hope to find someone that will help me look past all of that and realize that he was wrong. I am capable of loving someone deep and real.

I wish him all the best in his future and relationships because I still care about him. Even if he doesn't care about me.