Acne has been a part of my life since 5th grade and in 6th grade it was really bad. Back then, I was a major jokester amongst my friends and always kept my posse entertained with my wild behavior. But when the acne started getting bad, it put a major dent in my self confidence to the point that I changed my behavior because of it.
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There would be days where I simply didn’t want to go to school cause I didn’t want anyone to see my face. I would keep my head low and slouch low in my chair. Even though my acne was bad, it wasn’t until the end of freshman year that I started to wear makeup regularly. Being in show choir was my first lesson on how to apply makeup. Camouflaging my face then became a regular morning routine so that I could face the world everyday with confidence.
Even today I find myself terrified to be seen without makeup on and embrace every chance I get to be makeup free. While in school, wearing makeup is a seven days a week ordeal because when living in dorms you are bound to always run into someone. Often on Saturdays I would give my face a break but then have to hideaway in my room and live off whatever food I had in my bedroom so I didn’t have to go to the dining hall to see anyone while being without makeup. It has actually stopped me from keeping up my social life.
Now that it is summer vacation, I rarely wear makeup unless I have a scheduled meeting to see someone or go somewhere. Otherwise, I hide in and around the house. Even my mom asking me if I can run to the grocery store when I don't have makeup on I find daunting and often refuse.
I recently discussed my anxiety with a friend and it was great to be able to laugh together about our similar problem. However, confiding in other friends who don’t have the same issue is a lot harder. I'd rather cover up than talk about it to the friends with clear faces. I've done things like putting on a full face of makeup just to go get nasty and sweaty playing tennis outside.
If you have acne that you are embarrassed about know that you are not alone. And I try to remind myself that there are plenty of people who have worse acne than me so I should be able to handle my own acne shame. I need to remind myself daily that I can’t let acne control me, prevent me from making plans, and being myself. I have acne, but I won't let it define me.
I wanted to write this article because as much as I love the idea of a "Makeup Free Day" (something that my college did this last year) for some it just isn't realistic. Its easy to be able to post a picture of yourself saying #nomakeup when you don't have really bad skin to begin with. But for those of us who do have bad skin the hashtag is terrifying (literally).
For now I have bad acne, I wear makeup, and I'm not sorry because I feel confident going though my day with it on. Wearing makeup has boosted myself confidence, helped me look people in the eye, and stand up straighter. But I loving embrace with open arms the day when my skin has cleared up and I can go makeup free. For now, thank you, makeup.
