That first summer home from college, and you're constantly getting asked, "So, how is college?" Every family event, grad party you go to, even when you run into people by chance at the grocery store. "Do you just absolutely love it there?" My answer is always the same. I move my head in a yes and no, kind of undecided motion, and then I reply with a very hesitant, "Yeah. It's OK." And it's the same surprised reaction that I get back almost every time with some kind of statement about how the first year is always the hardest, and I'm going to love it next year. Well, maybe I will learn to love it. But maybe I won't. So here's what I wish I really could answer your questions about how my college experience is when I don't have the hour to explain to you what it's really like when I know your question may just be a courtesy conversation topic.

I don't really love it. All the preconceived ideas I had from movies and past experiences of others were nothing like what my first year at college was. It really wasn't anything like I expected it to be. It wasn't anything like "Pitch Perfect," given I don't sing very well, but I still didn't walk around at a campus clubs fair and get excited about joining a bunch of things and make a bunch of cool friends and win an acapella nationals. Frankly, it was just overwhelming with the number of people there were that you were trying to get through. It helped that my roommate came from my high school because then I had someone to share the new life adjustment with me. But I guess at the same time because we were so used to having each other, it didn't really bother us to not branch out. The good thing was I always had someone to do something with; we just didn't really remember how important it was to find a bunch more people to do those things with. I mean, we did make a couple good friends whom I know we will stay friends with for a long time; however, I guess I went into the experience with an expectation that I'd come out with a whole new big set of friends whom I'd miss over the summer.

I was actually sad a lot. I wouldn't tell you I was unless you really asked me, but I spent most of my time this year hoping some kind of fun, friend-filled miracle would happen, and we'd just start having the time of our lives there. I don't want anyone to think it was completely bad! I mean, there were some really funny moments that happened and some cool things we got to do that I'll never forget. I just really struggled with constantly comparing my current experience with all of my friends from high school's experience, and it was really different. I was jealous of all the new friends they had made and all the fun they looked like they'd been having, and I would just wish that when I came to college, that's what my life looked like. I wanted a bunch of awesome new friends I could introduce to my friends from home, and I wanted to go have a ton of fun instead of sitting in that super small dorm room just trying to come up with ideas of what we could do. When our friends from home would ask how we liked the school we chose, we would both tell them a surface truth about it, basically that we had, like, three friends and our school was really boring. They'd seem a bit thrown off, and then tell us things like, "You should come visit me sometime. We have so much fun at my school." And we would. Throughout the year, I visited a handful of my friends' colleges and, yeah, they may have seemed more fun because I don't go there permanently. However, it was a different kind of genuine fun we would have there, and all the new friends they had made were so great, and they even became some of my new friends, but I just wished that all these memories and new friends were happening at my college too. I visited my friends and watched and saw how they interacted with their new friends and how routine their weekend fun was. And I'd tell my mom about how much fun it was when I went there and how badly I wished that was what I was going back to.

I got involved with some groups and teams, and that seemed to make college a lot more fun. I even made some more friends through being involved with those sort of things! The perks of that were being invited to a couple holiday parties and some for the end of the year. But just like everyone else had, these people already had a huge group of friends for their own. As they, and most, would probably presume, I did as well.

One of the biggest struggles was that I missed home a lot. I knew I would, but the lack of things to keep me busy and constantly wishing the experience was what I had imagined made it so much worse. I wanted to be home and to see my family as much as I could. But my parents did a really good job with being positive and keeping me at school to try and put myself out there more. It's just with going to a big school with 20,000 or more students, that can be a little bit hard.

So now you ask me if I'm going to go back. Well, I don't want to be the person who gave up on the school I originally chose. But the thing is there's no doubt that I didn't pick my correct "fit." And I know that's OK. I know that doesn't mean I failed or I didn't put myself out there. I know that just means maybe there's a place out there that is my "fit." And maybe when I get there, I will forget that I ever had anything less than how perfect it is. And maybe my friends will come visit me and want to come back because they will love it there as much as I will. And maybe I won't come home as much because they'll have to pull me away from how much fun I'm having and all the memories I'll be making. And I'll have even more of the world's greatest friends than I already do now. And frankly, I have no idea at all where this college is or when I'll find it, but I will. Until then, I'll make the most of what I have at the one I chose and hope that it gets better the more I try. Until then, I'll be looking because I know my "fit" is out there, and I'm going to kill it when I get there.

"So how's college?" Well, it's OK, but now you know what OK meant for me when I said that. But I promise it won't just be OK forever because soon, it'll be beyond awesome, and I can't wait.