As I'm typing this, I'm opening my heart. If you've read my prior works, you know a bit about what it took for me to get to my current state of being. I went from being a small-town girl with no dreams and no goals (and no real human connections) to being someone who had rekindled her goals and dreams. I reconnected with the universe, re-gained faith, and opened doors to the world around me. It took me a long time to realize my life wasn't about others. I’m an empath, and to put it in layman's terms, I'm the one who must always fix everything—even the things I have no control over. However, things that’ve happened in the last couple of years made me want to change my life for the better. For instance, I’ve cut out allalcohol and people who've chosen toxic lifestyles that hold them back.
When I had my friend, I chopped off all my long dark hair and dyed it pink. This simple gesture was the beginning of a rebellious streak, which I missed out on earlier in life when most kids go through it. I met my ex-boyfriend who was an ex-military man fighting depression. Shortly before I left him, the two of us had made plans to move to Colorado. We hadn’t been there, and we didn’t know anyone. It was exactly a 24-hour drive from the place we call home. However, this plan was basically designed solely to shut me up. I was unhappy with my living situation. Thankfully, we didn't go. But, it wasn't the first time this group of people would try to isolate me from my loved ones.
Ultimately, I was grateful that the relationship fell apart. The disintegration of our romantic entanglement saved my relationship with my family and gave me wonderful new friends. But, I don't think I would’ve had any motivation to talk to new people if I’d been in that situation still.
The bottom line is my poor decision-making, and the situation that I almost put myself in, made it very difficult for me to trust myself. I was not happy with my situation. Since the written word has always made me happy, I decided I wanted to major in writing. I bounced around a lot trying to find a college that would support me as a student with special needs, and Southern New Hampshire University was the only one that could provide me with a great opportunity. It’s been amazing. I love my classes, and my counselor takes the time to make sure my needs are met. When necessary, there is so academic and emotional support.
I have, for the most part, learned to deal with my physical disability, depression and anxiety. I've made many strides in the last year, and I’ll be walking across the stage to receive my long-awaited diploma in less than a year. But, the anxieties of living in the real world are catching up to me.
The grades I received in my fiction workshop were nothing short of stellar, which prompted me to S4 the degree modification form. With the addition of my phone number, and one final click, I was officially on a path that I had chosen for myself. In that moment, it seemed unreal that I was going to graduate college. This is because I previously wasn’t doing college courses I wanted to do. Instead, I had been taking a degree that was status quo. Something I felt my parents wanted to see me do. I was unhappy, unmotivated, and the classes seemed to go on and on forever. And I’m being completely honest. When I said I thought I’d never see this moment, I mean, my tombstone will someday say something to the effect of: “Don't forget to turn in your essay, on Carl Jung's theory of shared consciousness.”
I’m so glad that I’m doing well in school. I have a wonderful family and group of friends who’ll support me and comfort me when I start to get nervous and doubt myself. But, knowing that I'm loved doesn't necessarily water down the feeling of trepidation and self-doubt. The knowledge that I’m disabled makes things worse, because people with physical disabilities have a hard time finding work. A lot of the time they have a hard time starting families and keeping them together because of the added stress and challenges life bring them.
I'm afraid to leave my tiny New York town and head somewhere exciting, even though I've learned to make friends. Also, I'm learning to get over my social anxiety. Still, I'm afraid I'll be doubted, or that I’ll be avoided by others and judged by strangers prematurely.
I've learned from my mistakes, and I've deleted toxic people from my life. I’ve decided on a degree path, and I made a decision that brought me to the best people I've ever met in my life. It taught me a lesson: don't ever forget.
With one final click, I’ll be submitting this piece in hopes it will reach someone and offer them encouragement and tell them I feel their pain. With on final click, your life can change forever. I’m here to listen and support any student in need. Never forget that you’re loved, strong, valuable and braver than you'll ever know!
