You meet a cute guy. You connect on some kind of personal level, at least enough that you decide to exchange numbers. You go on a date with this said guy and it’s going great. You’re chatting over coffee and doughnuts or dinner, and you love listening to his stories of his favorite college frat parties or the time his best friend from high school jumped out of his bedroom window and broke his leg and all. But all you can think about are those burning questions you really wish you could ask on a first date without looking like a total psycho.

So why are you really single?

What’s your baggage? Do you enjoy your bachelor lifestyle, or have you been looking for love all this time and it just hasn’t found you?

What are you really looking for?

Is this just nice, idle chit chat before you take me back to your place and try to ‘Netflix and Chill’ with me? Or are you looking for a relationship? Because I’m in the latter.

How many other people are you talking to?

Really I just want to know whom I’m up against. If it’s a rather small, reasonable number, I don’t care. If it’s around the size of a ballpark, well … bye Felicia.

What’s your body count?

If I’m being honest, I’m one of those girls that is going to ask this question anyway. I always wind up regretting it when I get the honest answer, but I’m an idiot and will insist you answer.

Are you a momma’s boy?

Because let me tell you; been there, done that. I don’t want to go down that road again. I love a man who respects the women in his life, but I do not want a man who is completely controlled by them and doesn’t realize that it’s not okay or healthy.

How many one-night stands have you had?

This goes in conjunction with your body count. I get that sex is amazing and everything, I just want to know how many girls you’ve been with that you never called again.

How many serious relationships have you been in?

Another frightful answer. Too many and I might think you’re an ‘I love you’ slut. Too little and I’m going to start thinking you have commitment issues. Where is the balance?

Can you afford guac?

I know that money doesn’t matter in a relationship, but if this gets serious I need to know if the person I love will be able to afford that extra guac without batting an eye. People who can afford guac either make good money, save, or know their priorities, and a mixture of all three isn’t a bad thing. If you can afford guac, it means we’ll be able to buy our dream home one day.

Have you ever cheated on your significant other before?

!!!!!!!!!!! This is important! I need to know! Be honest! If you lie, I will no doubt find out about it, I guarantee it. I’ve ran into a lot of guys that have cheated, and it seems to be a new trend. P.S. I think emotional affairs are just as bad as physical affairs. Just saying.

Are you just going to ghost me after this?

It’s fine if you are, I just want to know. I don’t like leaving things hanging without knowing what’s going on.

Do you want to get married?

Not to me, just in general. Trust me, marriage totally terrifies me right now, but eventually I would like to think I’ll be a wife one day. Eventually. Maybe. I don't know.

Do you want kids?

Again, not with me, just in general. I am a person who totally hates kids, but I think I want my own one day. I really like children if they’re related to me, it’s the screaming, food-covered ones that I don’t like.

Is this going somewhere?

I just want to know if you see potential in this date or if it’s more of just, “Hey I need to get myself back out in the dating world” kind of thing.