So I’ve been in college for three years now, and I’d like to think I’ve learned a few things…okay maybe more than a few. One of the things that I think I’ve got a grasp on is happiness. When I was a kid, my go to description was happy. By this I mean, my parents, teachers, friends etc. would always say, “you were such a happy kid, full of life, blah blah blah.” You get the point.

When I think about it, most of the time I do consider myself to be pretty happy. I can be cynical about some stuff for sure, but in general I think of myself as a happy person. I hear people worrying about not being happy in college, and to those people I will let you in on the secret. So here it is:

Stop “trying to be happy.” That’s really it. Happiness is not a destination. This is so cliché, but it’s true people! So many people think that there is this elusive thing that is going to make them happy and then that will be it, happy ever after. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but that’s bullshit.

Disney wrecked our expectations of life when they came up with the phrase, “Happy ever after.” There’s no such thing. That’s not a cynical outlook, it’s just realistic. Things aren’t always going to be peaches and cream, and if you expect them to be based on one thing, you’re going to be constantly disappointed.

There’s not one thing that’s going to make you happy. Because happiness isn’t a state of being. It isn’t a constant; it comes and goes, and that’s completely normal. You can be happy and unhappy all at the same time. And if you’re constantly and actively trying to make yourself happy, you’re going to be miserable and drive yourself nuts in the process.

Being happy is a constant choice. Sometimes things suck. People are annoying or mean, or something just doesn’t go right. You have a choice here: you can let it put you in a bad mood, or you can say yeah that’s not ideal but I’m not going to let it affect me. And why should you? Nothing and no one has control over your happiness except for one person: you.

Another thing to keep in mind is that it’s okay not to be happy all the time. As my favorite fictional doctor and life advisor, Meredith Grey, infamously says, “Not everybody has to be happy all the time. That’s not mental health. That’s crap.”

She is the queen of being “dark and twisty” as she puts it, but still manages to find happiness in various aspects in her life. She doesn’t sugar coat things, and when they suck, she says so. The thing is, she doesn’t let it get to her. Honestly sometimes she avoids things more times than dealing with them, which may not be the healthiest approach, but she understands that you can’t fix everything or everyone and that’s okay.

Our culture is so fixated on looking "perfect" to the world and trying to have it together all the time, and seem like these happy little robots. Seems like a pretty sufficient way to find yourself being very unhappy when you fall short of your impossible expectations for yourself. Give yourself a break, you're human. You make mistakes. You're not perfect, you may not always be happy, but no one else is either.

So what are the takeaways here?

Don’t spend your life looking for happiness or you’re never going to find it. Do what makes you happy in the moment and hope for the best. Sometimes things suck and it’s okay to acknowledge that. Don’t let other people or things dictate your outlook. One grade, job, event or person isn’t going to make or break you. It might be a hiccup, but it’s never the be all end all.

Don’t look for happiness, just be happy. That’s it.