When relationships — whether romantic or platonic — fall apart, we are left trying to navigate the pain and emotions while trying to piece ourselves back together. However, before we can focus on the next chapter, we need to tie up those loose ends. How do you stop playing the game of “what could have been?” How long do you have to dwell on the whats, the whys, and the hows of all that unfolded right in front of you?
Well, that’s easy! You can pick up about any teen magazine at your local market and learn that if you divide the duration of your relationship by two, that’s how long your grieving process is going to last and after that time passes, you should be a-ok- whatever that means!
Well, what if you’re not okay?
Are you supposed to feel guilty or pathetic for feeling the way that you do? That would certainly make you feel even worse, right?
It might seem obvious that there are dozens of other factors that contribute to how long you’ll be feeling some sort of suffering, but most people in the aftermath of a breakup will tell you how frustrating it is if they surpass the invisible prescribed timeline.
“Why am I still upset?”
“Why does the sound of her name still make my pulse quicken?”
“Why do I look at the door every time it opens, hoping it’s him?”
“Why would I still take her back in a second?”
These are just a few questions a partner might ask himself or herself repeatedly after a breakup. Believe it or not, we’ve all been there.
So what if the magazine love guru fails you and the projected grieving time has passed? What then? You might be thinking that you’re doomed to suffer indefinitely, but that is not the case!
How quickly you’ll recover from a breakup depends on many factors: Is this your first breakup? How well do you behave toward each other? Are there other stresses currently in your life? How much of a support system do you have? Do you have children or possessions to divide/work out? Are you still able to communicate with your former partner? Do you suffer from depression? Unfortunately, the $4.99 magazine forgot to account for all of the above factors. Each person is different. Everyone manages emotions differently. Remember, this is ok.
If your breakup is new, your heart probably feels like it’s rotting from the inside out and the decaying organ is poisoning your veins with despair. Just know that this extreme lowness physically cannot last forever. Extreme emotions, bad or good, do not linger. This is simply nature of being a human.
Think about it: How stressful it would be if every emotional experience stuck with you forever. Sadness over a loss of someone or something special, lust for another human, anger, or even jealousy. If we never passed through the honeymoon, cant-stop-thinking-about-you attraction then after a while we’d literally just spend our days f*cking and lying in bed with our partner, staring into each other's eyes, doing nothing except avoiding all responsibilities’ and revealing our unwavering mutual obsession with each other. Which is great and all, but I’m simultaneously exhausted and restless just thinking about this scenario.
So, whether we want it to happen or not, the deep sadness you feel as a result of this breakup will become unbearable and you will feel so much pain inside that the only way to describe the feeling is: “the entire world is falling apart in my hands” and that is okay to think. Then, one day that feeling stops unexpectedly.
I know, we all would like a timeframe for how long it’ll take until you’re done self-loathing, but the truth is that nobody- no psychologist, advice columnist, therapist, couples counselor or 20- something-year-old writer on the internet (me) can give it to you. It’s not that simple.
In order to make a positive learning experience from something this heartbreaking, we have to disconnect the internal image of our ex from his or her presence (be it actual or virtual).
In other words, instead of thinking about the physical manifestation of your ex, it’s helpful to think about the positive feelings associated with your ex. Focus on what you liked about or how you loved him or her.
Remember that you are lucky. You’re lucky to experience what you did, to have felt what you felt for another human. For some, people go about their everyday lives focused on finding that one person to have that kind of connection with, and most people think about how that time will never come for them. Sharing a love with someone is a very special experience, so one should be grateful to have had that opportunity.
While I understand this process is like no other, it is important to allow yourself to realize that your ex was important in allowing you to experience yourself as a selfless, loving individual. Finding yourself valuing your intangible ability to love more than your tangible loss, will allow you to gather the strength to finally move on.
