In high school, my boyfriend of over a year broke up with me. I was heartbroken, but with time, I pieced my heart back together and remained on good terms with my now ex. A few months after the breakup, when emotions died down, he asked me a question.

“Why didn’t you fight for me? Why didn’t you try to win me back?”

I was dumbfounded. Why? …Because he broke up with me. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that means someone doesn’t want to be with you, and why on earth would I want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me?

After doing some thinking, I realized that his question wasn’t completely out of the ordinary. There seems to be this trend in our society of “fighting” for love, for trying to win people over.

Maybe this idea comes for rom-coms. The typical story of one person, hopelessly chasing after another who doesn’t even seem to notice them, or, even worse, is cruel to them, until some miracle happens, and suddenly they’re in love.

Well, I’d like to stand against these “love” stories and argue that you shouldn’t “fight” for people, at least not incessantly. There comes a time when you realize that someone simply isn’t interested in you, and it’s not worth your time, effort or heartache to try to win them over.

Not fighting for someone doesn’t mean you are giving up on love. It means you are choosing to wait for healthy love.

Not fighting for someone doesn’t mean you are losing “the one,” because when you find “the one,” you won’t have to fight for them. They will love you for who you are.

Love shouldn’t be painful. Love shouldn’t make you feel unwanted or undesirable. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to the person you love. You shouldn’t have to put up with mind games. You shouldn’t feel like making one wrong move will cause them to leave. And if they leave, you should let them. You deserve someone who wants to be in your life, and who’s sure about it.

That’s not to say love should be a piece of cake. Relationships are hard. Hard…but not hurtful. If it is hurtful, for God’s sake, get out of that now.

Love with another should make you feel confident. It should make you excited.

So please, don’t fight for someone who doesn’t give you the time of day. Don’t fight for someone who has chosen to leave you.

Find someone you love and who loves you in return, and fight for that. Fight for their happiness—your happiness together. Fight for compromise, for laughter, for giddiness, for the future, for companionship.

But don’t fight for someone who’s not fighting for you.