In the backseat of your car not too long ago, things got a little heated. I went from indulging you from the passenger seat, to laying face down in the back. As you finish, I knew that just as you came, you would also come to your senses, if you catch my drift. I look out of the window to make sure no cars were coming, opened the door to pull my panties up and my dress down. As I'm adjusting myself, I slowly feel your deposits falling out of me. What the hell did I just get myself into? Another moment of after-happy hour sex may have just cost me my ass this time. I look at you in despair as you ask me what's wrong, and I casually, yet with much remorse ask... "did you come in me?"
And that is a moment I will never forget.
The next few days were so frightening. I was feeling scared, my body was extremely tense and in my mind I was definitely later than expected on my cycle. Not only was my period missing, but so were you. Usually after sex, I don't hear from you until you're ready to feel me again, but this time was different. See, this time I was actually afraid. Not that you hadn't texted me, or checked on me. I was afraid that if I was to be pregnant, that you would be the father. That single thought alone, ruined me.
See, for years, I adjusted. I adjusted to secretly being the love of your life behind many closed doors and somehow I became okay with it. It had became an identity of mine that I wasn't ready to part with, one that I also had gotten away with, without the fear of consequences. Until now.
As the thoughts of pregnancy ran through my mind, I began to think of the life my child would have to endure with not only me, the insane mentally unstable person I had become. Or you, the emotionally unavailable, egotistical male that seemed to neglect or run away from anything that came close to making an impact on his heart. If you couldn't love me, what could you do for a child that you helped create?
It was within those moments of thoughts that I knew I had to let you go. I didn't want a child, and it's not because I didn't want to bring one into the world, but I could allow myself to put another human through the heartache and pain that I allowed for so long. I knew that I wanted the father of my child to be one who respects me, and loves me enough to love me in public just saw much as he loves me in private. I knew that I wanted the father of my child to be my best friend, and my soulmate, and not just one who occasionally touches my soul with strokes other than his ego. It couldn't be you, and I had to assure that.
A pregnancy scare scared me away from you. Away from casually loving you, and into deep hiding to where loving myself was only a page away. The thought of being sexually active with you day in and day out never bothered me until the idea of having a seed like you struck me harder than lightning ever could. For so many years, I had never been punished for loving you. For so many years, I got away with being filled with everything inside of you, except your heart and it finally caught up to me.
What a life.
