While sitting on my bed fresh out of the shower with wet hair and my face clean of makeup, I came across somethings I wasn’t particularly used to, breakouts, dark circles under my eyes and my eyes not seeming as white as I remember them. Thats when I came to my sense and finally told myself I am not okay, I am more emotionally distraught then I am putting off.

John* was an great guy. Charming, he has a smile that could melt your heart. Bold, the attitude this guy carries is unlike anything I personally have never witnessed. Smart, he was so interested in everything about myself from what my family is like and what my dreams after college were. He could carry a conversation on anything you threw at him, while giving his outlook and putting in his knowledge to back it up. Humorous, He can make anything into a joke but obviously knowing when the right time and place for it. John just had it all going and it also helped that he was older, thinking he was going to be so much more mature or ready for life in general than any other guy I have been with. I was so infatuated with the Idea of him and being with him.

I, decided to fly out to Portland (He asked me of course, It wasn’t me randomly showing up) and see him for a long weekend. This would be our 3rd in person encounter even though I knew him when I was younger, it wasn’t like how it was now. When I got there, this trip was a blast, totally amazing. We laughed, we ate amazing food and we explored the city.We talked about everything in the entire world. You name a topic, it was probably talked about. Everything we did that weekend, minus the select few things, was a first for him as well. I knew my heart fell in love with the city. I had a stellar time.

I flew out on Monday and when he was dropping me off, he just kissed me goodbye and asked if I could just stay a bit longer and reschedule my flight, I denied because I had work the next day. As much as I wanted to stay away from reality, I had to go back.

When I got home, things changed not right off the bat but within a few days, Text messages that were Paragraphs before became one word, I sent a heart felt message just hoping and praying I would get a solid answer to at least explain if he was into it or not, no response. A Snapchat streak of 82 was lost. But that wasn’t the only thing that was lost, I was. I asked my self countless time how? why? What did I possibly do so wrong to get pushed away. I was hurt. But being me, All you reading that actually know me, knows that I put up my wall 10x higher and wear a bright smile and laugh just to stop from people knowing actually how hurt I am.

But, tonight, after looking in the mirror at myself, I realized it wasn’t me, it was him. It was his choice to stop. It was his decision to not push this any further than what it was in those days back in Portland and I can’t let that influence me. I can’t stop eating meals or getting no sleep over something I have no control over. I looked at that girl in the mirror and realized, It wasn’t me and I need to control my own happiness.

So by now you might ask, how does piercings tie into this? I have always been into them. The adrenaline rush right before it happens, the 10 seconds of pain and numbness. I love it. I LOVE it. It doesn’t seem like a bad things but now looking at the whole picture, it has come to my eyes that this is my way of releasing it. All the negativity out. It is my version of slitting my wrist. Every piercing I have in my body besides my first holes in my ears (I have 3 in my left ear, 4 in my right, a nose ring and a belly button ring) have been after some type of emotional breakdown. My first 3 ear were after finding out my long term boyfriend didn't "want" me anymore. My bellybutton was after a controlling relationship I got out of. My nose ring was after leaving my apartment after long nights on multiple occasions of locking myself in my room and crying to the point of packing things up and leaving for 5+ hours at night and driving around trying to figure out how to escape it. And the most recent, 2 in my right ear was this summer after finding out I wouldn’t have the funds to go to college last fall semester and was trying to pack up and leave home within 3 days.

So when this all happened with John, I found myself looking at piercings. Why? I don’t want any more. I don’t like half the ones I have. Boom. It hit me. It is my escape goat. Its that 10 seconds to fear nothing but a needle going through my skin to cause numbness I think I need to escape the reality of what I am experiencing. Call me crazy all you want but it’s true.

So with that being said, I have decided that soon, when I get the will power to do it, I am taking all my piercings out and starting over. Its time for me to control my own destiny.