For Those Who Think 'The World Would Be Better Off Without Me' | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

For Those Who Think 'The World Would Be Better Off Without Me'

Trigger Warning: Suicide, the permanent solution to a temporary feeling.

54.9k
For Those Who Think 'The World Would Be Better Off Without Me'
Teen Health Matters

Trigger warning. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. Trigger warning. Trigger warning.

" Suicide is just a permanent solution to a temporary feeling," a phrase that is echoed much more than it truly should be.

Although I hate to admit it, it's safest to say it out loud to remind myself that it's not the shortcut out of feeling hurt, sad, angry...whatever the feeling is. I also hate to admit that thoughts of suicide are constantly going through my head.

Yes, I have gone to therapy. Yes, I realize these thoughts are not "normal". But it has certainly become what is normal for me.

Even with reminders that I matter to my closest friends and family, it gets really difficult to differentiate between my depression speaking and being fully aware of how many people really do care.

After a while, it starts to become white noise and it feels like people only tell me that I matter to them just so they feel some comfort in being aware that they've tried to tell me that I do... I don't mean to come off as ungrateful or careless, but regardless of how much I truly know how reciprocated my love and appreciation for everyone in my life is-- it gets hard on my worst days.

And yes, even with medication, living with my mental illness is so challenging.

If I'm being honest, I don't think I'd be here today if it weren't for my friends and family. Some days are so terrible and I wish with my entire being that I could just peacefully go in my sleep.

My inner demons are so real and in retrospect, I should really be more thankful for the people that are right by my side fighting them with me.

However, I feel sick to my stomach when I think about my best friend and if she were to commit suicide. And I know that I should feel some guilt when I say that I want to die, but I don't. I know how hurt I get when one of my friends tells me that they want to die and I understand their position. But having the mindset that the world would be a better place without me is one that has such prevalence over thoughts that echo that I have a purpose.

Moreover, saying I want to die isa cry for help-- not a cry for attention. Obviously, I'd rather not have my closest friends and sisters worry about if I'm okay today. I'd rather not have to be watched. I really would not appreciate being Baker Acted, but I understand the worry. I'm sorry that I say these terrible thoughts out loud, but it's better than keeping these thoughts to myself and then having someone one day say "wow I never thought she was that depressed."

It's hard to imagine that girl whose life seems pretty decent, who seems to always have a smile on in photos, who seems to always be positive, trying to make other people feel as if they matter, is suicidal.

The thoughts overwhelm me to the point I am unable to get out of my bed and do things that seem simple, such as eat dinner. It gets really hard and I wish for no one to experience this.

Sometimes, I feel like such a nuisance. I feel like a bother to everyone that I interact with lately and I just really wish that I didn't feel this way. My heart gets heavy, it gets hard to breathe, tears won't stop falling--and the thoughts just continue to bombard my mind reminding me of how useless I feel. Some days I just really wish that I had not woken up. It really is hard. Far too often, I wonder what it's like to not have a brain like mine and have less morbid thoughts. But I've learned how to cope with mine and I'm still breathing, so it's okay.

My hopes for people that read this aren't to pay more attention to me, it's just to be aware.

Moreover, if you're feeling alone, please know that even with my heavy heart, I always try to be there for anyone that needs someone to talk to. Please know that you're never truly alone. eileenrenee07@gmail.com or eileenrenee_ on IG! please reach out, if it comes to it.

In the back of my mind, I constantly have to remind myself that there are people that care about me and I am loved.

Also, here's this if you, too, need it:
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Here's the National Suicide Prevention lifeline chat.

Life does get better, regardless of what our brains tell us though, friend. You are never alone.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
an image of taylor swift standing center stage surrounded by her backup dancers in elegant peacock esque outfits with a backdrop of clouds and a box rising above the stage the image captures the vibrant aesthetics and energy of her performance during the lover era of her eras tour
StableDiffusion

A three-and-a-half-hour runtime. Nine Eras. Eleven outfit changes. Three surprise songs. Zero breaks. One unforgettable evening. In the past century, no other performer has put on an electric performance quite like Taylor Swift, surpassing her fans ‘wildest dreams’. It is the reason supporters keep coming back to her shows each year. Days later, I’m still in awe of the spectacle ‘Miss Americana’ puts on every few days in a new city. And, like one of Taylor’s exes, has me smiling as I reminisce about the memories of the night we spent together.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

These powerful lyrics remind us how much good is inside each of us and that sometimes we are too blinded by our imperfections to see the other side of the coin, to see all of that good.

75750
Every Girl Needs To Listen To 'She Used To Be Mine' By Sara Bareilles

The song was sent to me late in the middle of the night. I was still awake enough to plug in my headphones and listen to it immediately. I always did this when my best friend sent me songs, never wasting a moment. She had sent a message with this one too, telling me it reminded her so much of both of us and what we have each been through in the past couple of months.

Keep Reading...Show less
Zodiac wheel with signs and symbols surrounding a central sun against a starry sky.

What's your sign? It's one of the first questions some of us are asked when approached by someone in a bar, at a party or even when having lunch with some of our friends. Astrology, for centuries, has been one of the largest phenomenons out there. There's a reason why many magazines and newspapers have a horoscope page, and there's also a reason why almost every bookstore or library has a section dedicated completely to astrology. Many of us could just be curious about why some of us act differently than others and whom we will get along with best, and others may just want to see if their sign does, in fact, match their personality.

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

20 Song Lyrics To Put A Spring Into Your Instagram Captions

"On an island in the sun, We'll be playing and having fun"

6524
Person in front of neon musical instruments; glowing red and white lights.
Photo by Spencer Imbrock on Unsplash

Whenever I post a picture to Instagram, it takes me so long to come up with a caption. I want to be funny, clever, cute and direct all at the same time. It can be frustrating! So I just look for some online. I really like to find a song lyric that goes with my picture, I just feel like it gives the picture a certain vibe.

Here's a list of song lyrics that can go with any picture you want to post!

Keep Reading...Show less
Chalk drawing of scales weighing "good" and "bad" on a blackboard.
WP content

Being a good person does not depend on your religion or status in life, your race or skin color, political views or culture. It depends on how good you treat others.

We are all born to do something great. Whether that be to grow up and become a doctor and save the lives of thousands of people, run a marathon, win the Noble Peace Prize, or be the greatest mother or father for your own future children one day. Regardless, we are all born with a purpose. But in between birth and death lies a path that life paves for us; a path that we must fill with something that gives our lives meaning.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments