After watching movies like “Freedom Writers” and “Dead Poet’s Society,” soon-to-be teachers, such as myself, decide they want to be the teacher that makes their students decide to try or care or change their entire way of living. That is a pretty big expectation to have of oneself when they head into the unknown realm known as student teaching; however, I am full of ambition, and I feel called to change the world, so I take on that ambition. For now, I am called to change the world one desk, one student, one reflection entry at a time.
Being on the other side of the desk, your eyes are opened to see things that you have never noticed in a particular light. Students complain about school; however, school is my job -- my living, and because of my lack of a large social life on week nights, it is where the majority of my life is spent right now.
I don’t think students realize how much it actually pangs a teacher when they say how much school sucks.
Look, I get it. I was in high school once as well, but I always tried to make the most of every moment. I just want to tell them, “Well, thank you for invalidating my way of life and how much I care for you as my student. Please run out of this building as soon as you can -- but remember when you look back, I will still be sitting in my classroom planning, organizing, figuring out ways to make students’ lives better, and continually being told that my livelihood sucks. Also, don’t forget that all four legs of your chair need to be on the floor, and there are tacos for lunch today.” It’s fine because we (sort of) knew what we were getting into as teachers -- it just would be nice if people would notice how strong we are and how much we pour in.
What else is hard about that is the fact that many students just don’t care -- about anything.
So many students are not motivated to learn, critically think, or even to have opinions or beliefs about things. I asked students a question about what they believed about the beginning of the world, and many of them responded by saying that we shouldn’t waste our time worrying about what we believe, and “who cares.” I care. I care so much about all of it. I care so much about my students, and I think that is something that from the other side of the desk, they don’t necessarily realize.
The students who do feel motivated like to talk to me about anything. I asked my students to write a journal entry about something that has impacted them that they believe I should know about them, and some of them opened up -- some of them, a little too much. I know so much about my students because they want me to know things. They are looking for someone to talk to, and as a student teacher, I am someone they feel comfortable with. In my heart, I hold their stories. I hold the stories of parents in prison, family and friends being shot, students struggling with depression, among so many others. I also have the joyous opportunity of holding the exciting stories and dreams of my students. I hold the dreams of a student who wants to write books, a student who has ambitions for what they want to do in college and after college, a student who was bullied so they stand up for the kids who are being bullied now, among so many others.
My heart is overwhelmingly full.
The other side of the desk -- the side with the papers that need to be graded, the lukewarm coffee from the morning, the color coded binders that hold so much data -- is a side filled with more emotion than I could ever dare to dream. This past week, my heart was filled and then ripped to shreds in a matter of two minutes. I had to teach two class periods in a row after reading about a student of mine who is going through so much that I was close to tears when I was reading it. Teachers are the real superheroes, and I hope that my cardigan will someday look like a cape to the students whose lives I’ve been a part of.
I wouldn’t trade the amount that I care for almost anything. What people don’t warn you about is how when you care so much, you work twice as hard, and you want to cry from joy and sadness so many times during the day. It is only full week number two, and I am so invested in their lives. I can’t imagine leaving them, even though I am only with them until mid-October. Who knew that the teacher would be learning more lessons than the students -- that is something that no amount of lesson planning or post-it notes can prepare you for.
