With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought I should write this article describing my experiences, which is something I haven't been exactly proud of.

This past year has pushed me to the breaking point. I tend to say that I've been feeling depressed for a few months, but reality is, it's been since last June, around the time I moved back to Michigan.

I didn't talk about it. I tried to ignored how I felt since most of the people around me didn't want to hear anything about my time in Oregon. They didn't care about how much I missed my life out west. I had no one to talk to.

So, I learned to stay silent. I learned to ignore the problem.

Putting on a fake smile is what I did best. No one knew how bad my depression was. No one knew I was having suicidal thoughts. My thought was, why would I want to burden someone with this?

It was a stormy day. I had a half hour before I needed to be at rehearsal. I got in my car, drenched from the rain, and put a plastic bag over my head.

Pills, jumping off a bridge, and a plastic bag. All of which, I didn't follow through. And the questions from everyone remains the same. "Why would you want to kill yourself?" "What made you stop?"

I don't know what stopped me in the middle of all the attempts I've tried. I really don't. But that day, I showed up at rehearsal, trying to ignore what had just happened. Pretending like nothing was out of the norm. But it felt completely different. For once, I didn't want to be at that theatre. I didn't feel like I belonged there.

That was only a few weeks ago.

Now, I'm in counseling, and that may be the reason I'm handling it now. With school over and my time in the city less frequent, my bad days are outnumbering my good days. I'm not fully better and sometimes, with all this being out in the open, it feels like people automatically assume I should be better.

I have to help others before I help myself. So, admitting I need help, or seeking for help isn't something I do. But I sought help that night. I'm still seeking help, it's something I should have done a long time ago. I keep reassuring myself that it will get better, and on my bad days I shouldn't isolate myself, I should talk to someone.

It will get better.

I will not lose the fight to my mental illness.

I have a future.