" God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
To be quite honest, I postponed writing this article til the last minute possible. I didn't even know where to begin. This past week I've felt emotions I didn't know existed, and I've cried over a dozen times. Christian radio filled my car the day after my hometown was attacked, and I sobbed over a commercial about an upcoming concert. I binge watched Friends the next day and had to pause the tv more than once to stare in disbelief. I cannot even describe in full what it is like to have the most deadly mass shooting happen here in Orlando. To the families and friends of the victims, I highly respect you for staying strong in this really difficult time. You're staying in my prayers. I have no direct personal ties to what has happened and I'm so thankful that people I know are safe at home tonight.
For days and still most of the time, the tv has blown up with continued updates and information regarding the shooting. The radio is filled with nonstop commercials to raise money for the victims and other charity events, news, and discussions about Sunday morning. Billboards across town read "Orlando Strong" and "#PrayForOrlando." You can't go without the constant reminders from everything around you. Frankly, it gets more and more terrifying the more you hear and see them.
I know many in the LGBTQ community because of my theatre background. When the first news came out on tv, my eyes became teary as I saw flashing lights and FBI agents standing outside of Pulse. Names hadn't been released and I prayed my friends and loved ones were safe. More people began to check in as safe on Facebook, and I refreshed the list of victims every five minutes when it came out. However, several people I know have been severely impacted, and I continue to pray that the Lord brings peace into their lives.
Later the next day, one of my closest friends mentioned that she and another mutual friend had been to Pulse a few days before. The "what ifs" began, and my heart hurts every time I think about it.
Today at work, a baker from a store nearby the club had come in to bake for us and earn his paycheck. Some streets are still closed down for the investigation, so other employees have popped in to still make some money. His shift began at 3 a.m. on Sunday (2 a.m. on weekdays) to prepare for the day's needs. About a block away from Einsteins, the FBI blocked off the area and told him there was an active shooter. If it had been a normal weekday, he would've been in the store. Several people died in that parking lot that night, and now he will face that each day he goes to work.
An entire table of ladies eating lunch the other day told me that each one of their sons had a friend who had been shot.
Out of all the news that came out the past few days, one thing really hit me. A first responder talked about having to go into the building and check the bodies for any signs of life. He would hear all the phones ringing from loved ones calling to see if their spouse or son/daughter was alive. He had to tune out the sounds of reality in order to do his job.
I'm not trying to sound selfish, and I know I'm extremely lucky to have not lose anyone that night. But this town is my home too. It's where I've lived all my life. It's where I buy groceries and get coffee with friends. It's where I met all of the people who have made a difference in my life. It's where I've gone to school and learned to dance. It's where I've found everything I've ever known and suddenly it feels so broken. I'm allowed to feel angry and upset; I'm allowed to feel unsafe and insecure. This shooting disrupted the lives of so many people and those people are a part of my home. In this city, we are one. We are one Orlando, and one in Christ.
I want to thank all first responders, blood donors, doctors, and so many more for all of the hard work you've done the past few days to put this town back together. I also want to thank the officers involved for risking their lives.
I pray for anyone affected in any way, whether that's directly or not. To those related to victims, I'm terribly sorry that someone took love away from you. You're surrounded by so many caring people who won't let this tragedy go unnoticed. We strongly stand by you as a united Orlando.
We will remember:
Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years old
Amanda Alvear, 25 years old
Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old
Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old
Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old
Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old
Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old
Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old
Cory James Connell, 21 years old
Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old
Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old
Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old
Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old
Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old
Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old
Frank Hernandez, 27 years old
Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old
Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old
Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old
Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old
Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old
Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old
Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old
Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old
Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old
Kimberly Morris, 37 years old
Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old
Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old
Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old
Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old
Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old
Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old
Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old
Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old
Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old
Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old
