To the one I never said goodbye to,

Words cannot express how much I miss you and how much I still think about you. How’s the after-life? Is heaven real? What do you do with all your spare time? Knowing you, you’re probably out in the woods somewhere fishing or hunting. I hope you’re in the happiest place you’ve ever been. I hope you’ve seen the places you’ve always wanted to visit, and I hope you’ve been reunited with all of whom that you’ve lost along the way. Give Grammy a big hug for me please!

I put on a happy face most days for my family and friends because they need me too, you know? But inside I’m not okay sometimes. I’m still hurting and my heart still aches when I hear your name. They told me that with every passing day, the aching would go away and the pain would fade. But they lied. I still feel that same chill down my spine whenever I realize that you’re gone. It’s still as strong as the first time I found out that you were no longer with us. I have learned to numb my pain with the time and moments we shared with each other, I realize how lucky I was to have known you.

I still remember the day we got the call that you were gone. I had no idea what was happening and no one wanted to break my heart by telling me. Looking around the room with innocent and naive eyes, I had no clue why everyone was crying and hugging. Finally, I remember heading back to mom's house and everyone was crying behind their sunglasses. Tears were streaming down their cheeks. "What's wrong?" I asked, and when they told me what had happened I felt my entir body go cold and numb. I'll never forget that day and the feeling I had, and still have, when I heard the devastating news.

I know you’ve been looking down on me; I could feel you by my side yesterday while I was giving my presentation. You held my hand and reassured me that it was going to be okay. I just wanted to thank you for that. I wish I could give you the biggest hug in the world. I wish I could still feel the fuzzy fabric of your sweater against my cheek. I wish I could hear your laugh again.

You were in my dream the other day—is that how angels visit? It was so surreal, I woke up in tears and I could smell the cologne you used to always wear. I hugged my pillow, hoping that smell would never go away. In my dream we were at your birthday party, everyone was so surprised to see you. It was as if you had gone on a long vacation and finally came home. I walked in holding your gift, obviously with a green bow since it was your favorite color. It was a good dream. It was like the good old days when you were only a phone call away.

I miss telling you about my problems. You were so patient and always took the time out of your busy day to listen to me. I never got the chance to thank you for that, so thank you because it means more to me than you’ll ever know. Do you hear me when I talk to you? I try to imagine the advice you’d give me. Sometimes I even imagine the comebacks you’d give me if I was in an argument with someone. You were always so clever and witty. I miss your corny jokes and how you’d try your best to make me smile when I was down. I miss playing card games with you. Even though it was your favorite, you let me win anyway. Just to let you know, it was never a big secret that for "some reason" I always beat you. But thank you for helping my ego. I thought I was really good at cards and checkers until one day I played against someone who wouldn’t let me win.

Everything’s going well down here. It’s just not the same without you, but I’m still managing. No matter what, I will not give up—especially because I can’t even imagine the look of disappointment you would be giving me. I hated when you were disappointed in me. Would you believe it that I’m in college now? I’m pursuing all my dreams just like you would have wanted. You’d be so proud. I’m sad you won’t be sitting and cheering me on at graduation, but I know you’ll be watching and cheering from above. I know you’ll probably even cry when I’m handed my diploma and I’m kind of happy I don’t get to see it—you were always the ugliest crier! I know you would have bought me the biggest bouquet of roses—even though I would have told you not to! You were always thoughtful like that.

It’s moments like my graduation, my wedding and my first born child that I will be the most upset I won’t get to share with you. I need you there. I always pictured that you would be. I want to be happy for you. I want to accept that you’re gone and in a better place, but I can’t help but be frustrated and mad at you. I didn’t want you to leave, I didn’t want you to go away, I never got to say goodbye. I know you hated goodbyes, but usually they were just until next week—not forever.

I hate that I can’t call you up on the phone, hug you, grab ice cream with you or even get into stupid arguments that I know we’d laugh about the next day. Even though I hated the silly nicknames you gave me—like “stinky." I still miss it. I needed you and I still do. I can’t help but be mad at the world for taking you away. I don’t care if it’s selfish either, it’s not fair. I miss you.

I appreciate all the times I could feel you cheering me on and supporting me. I know you’re my guardian angel, and that you are down on me. I want to thank you for always keeping me safe. I love you and I miss you more than anyone can ever understand. Every day is a new day, and every day I get stronger. I stay strong because I know that that’s what you’d want me to do and because I know that’s all I can do. I hope you’ll visit me in my dreams soon.

Love always,

The one you left behind