Heartbreak is defined as the feeling of overwhelming sadness and grief. And let me tell you, it hurts like hell. I myself got my heart broken. This heartbreak ruined me, and made me think "all men are the same," but then, I realized that I cannot let one man ruin my faith in another because, not all men are the same.
Two years ago, in September of 2014, you appeared, and from the first time I laid eyes on you I told myself "he has to be mine." You were the typical country boy: a tall, football player, with brown hair and blue eyes, and a lover of anything camo. I was in awe, and it became my mission to make you love me. Mission accomplished, or was it? I didn’t think you’d actually go for a girl like me---Our all of a sudden, and unexpected romance ended, and to say I was that it hurt is an understatement. You crushed me, and you didn’t even care.
Love was a foreign word to me. The only ones who said it were family, or close friends-- and even with them I was apprehensive to believe there was any truth behind it. But you, you were different. You appeared in my life at the turning point of my depression—with your cape and all-- swept me off my feet, and made me feel like I mattered to someone; you made me feel important. Then, after one of our typical nightly talks about life, as you were saying goodnight, you uttered the words “I love you.” There was silence on my end because the wheels in my head were spinning out of control, leaving me tongue-tied. You went further to say that you knew you made the right decision of asking me to be your girlfriend, and despite what anyone else said, you thought I was okay, and loved me anyway. It took some time for me to process your words, and evaluate where I stood on the love spectrum, but the more you said it, the more I believed you. The more I believed, the more my heart swelled with this intense emotion that I had never felt before. And that is when I knew that I was in love with you. I was in love with you, and that’s when the trouble began.
You took my love for granted. It took me weeks after my realization to repeat those special words, and although you kissed me after, giving me the sense of euphoria, your actions afterward proved otherwise. Your girl best friend andex-girlfriend became your main priority. You held hands with one, kissed the other, then lied repeatedly telling me “you have nothing to worry about. I only want to be with you.” And I, being so young, naïve, and in love, remained silent, believing every word you said. This happened over and over again. I left work one too many times in tears because of your words and/or actions towards me vs. those two other women, and that’s when I gave up. That’s when I knew things had to end.
Things officially ended, and I say officially because we had broken up a few times before, and I was left physically and emotionally void. I spent weeks doing the same old thing: going to school, going to work, and getting in bed to cry over you. You broke me, and I wanted nothing to do with relationships ever again. I swore off relationships until I realized, one man is not like another. Some have kind hearts, and soft, gentle touches. While others are rough, mouthy and lack basic respect. Some men are good. You, you were not good, at least not to me, and I deserved a man who was.
The way you treated me taught me a lot of things, not only about myself, but about love. 1. I am worth more than I think, 2. Love should never be compared to chick-flicks, you’re just setting yourself up for failure, and 3. I cannot expect someone to come in and pick up the pieces, I must do that on my own. Then, and only then, will I be able to open myself up to the kind of love I yearn for.
With you, lies a piece of my heart that will remain in your back pocket for the rest of our lives. With me, lies our memories: both good and bad. Loving you wasn’t difficult, nor wrong. Loving you was an experience that I will never forget.
Thank you for loving me the wrong way.
