It’s three in the morning, and I am staring at a screen, watching a YouTube video and wondering why I don’t live in England. The individual on the screen has a far more stylish haircut than I do, better clothes and sincerer opinions. They’re an aspiring/up and coming filmmaker who also films wonderful vlogs about topics that relate to many. They’re writing a book and have a fanbase of hundreds of thousands of people. They’re 22 with their whole life in front of them, success already firmly within their grasp, and they are so productive and wonderful and happy it makes me physically sick. In fact, I am so sick and green with jealousy I can barely see straight.

I have always been an envious person, but I have spent most of my life pretending that isn’t true. I smile and encourage my friends and acquaintances when they get the internship and I don’t, even if I secretly wish it was me instead. When someone in my creative writing workshop writes a story that is leaps and bounds better than what I’m turning in that week, I don’t over-analyze their work looking for flaws so the writer is less intimidating to me. When my friends casually talk about the huge projects they’re working on, the novel they’ve almost finished writing or the album and film that’s about to be released with their name attached, I try to swallow the urge to fake my congratulations and then go back home and spend the rest of the night moodily staring at a blank word document, wondering why what is so easy for them is always so, so ridiculously hard and difficult for me. The common denominator in these situations is that I can usually talk myself into behaving like a mature and secure person and not giving into my baser urges, but the urges are still unquestionably there, and the feelings of jealousy never really abate, even when I tell myself they’re childish and silly.

I am very lucky to be surrounded by many, many talented creators and individuals and general. That choice was purposeful by the way, I’m always drawn to people who I think are talented at what they do, people who I admire and would like to be standing next to so I can watch them work their magic and then clap along with everyone else. Of course, talent is far from the only reason I seek out certain people to be my friends, but talent in “artsy” areas that fascinate me is a nice bonus that I’ve been lucky to experience in many of my good friends.

I’m using the word “lucky” a lot, aren’t I?

The reason is that at my worst, I sometimes don’t feel so lucky to be able to experience these wonderful people’s gifts and hard earned success. At my worst, sometimes I secretly wish everybody would just slow down a little so I could feel like I was coming close to catching up. These aren’t feelings I’m proud of or that I like to associate myself with, but I have to be honest. They’re present. Sometimes almost continuously.

The thing that worries me the most about these feelings and natural tendencies of mine is that I don’t see a lot of other people experiencing them, at least not outright. My other friends, whether creative types or those who find their talents elsewhere, all seem to have no trouble cheering on their friends with zero qualms while still excelling to such a high degree I’m in awe. Ironically, I think I’m starting to get jealous of people for how little jealousy they exhibit. This is a vicious cycle.

The few people I’ve confessed this to and asked for advice about it have a habit of telling me to just stop comparing myself to others. I mean… okay? That’s great in theory, but can anyone actually do that? I’m genuinely asking. I have never been able to fully stop comparing myself to others. I feel like in our society we’re constantly checking ourselves against others in social situations even in the smallest of ways to make sure we’re acting as the situation befits. I understand what they mean, and I get the logic of not comparing your unique “journey” to someone else’s experience, but come on, how can I not, at least a little? It might be easy to justify why I don’t have the fame and success of a celebrity about my age on a TV show or in an Oscar winning movie, but what about the people I see almost every day, the people who have had similar opportunities and experiences to mine and just seem to be killing it with an ease and fortitude I just can’t relate to? Am I supposed to just ignore the comparison then? And if so, how, especially if it seems painfully apparent to me?

You can talk all you want about how success is subjective, and how it may very well be that the people I am so envious of also struggle just to get words down most days or make sense of what’s going on, and I’m sure that’s very often true, but sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes there are people who are just incredible, who dutifully write laps every single morning, who create with an ease and wonder that both inspires and infuriates me and who seem to exist in this beautiful Instagram filtered bubble of happiness and spontaneous trips abroad and masterful exhibitions of talent in their chosen craft. You can tell me that even this level of success won’t fix my problems, and logically I’ll know you’re right, but I still kind of want to experience it just to make sure. You never know.

In all seriousness though, how do I deal with my envy and jealousy? There’s no foolproof way in my personal experience. The fact is, I’m a jealous person, and in that I mean, that’s an emotion I just experience a lot. But it’s just an emotion. True, it’s not a very nice one, and it probably indicates some insecurity on my part, but I also like to believe I don’t usually take it out on people. I’m careful. I try not to give in. I try to be supportive of the person winning the award even if I wanted the award too. I try not to throw a tantrum, even inwardly. In my personal experience, the best way to deal with jealousy is to just take a deep breath, and admit to yourself that you’re not there. You’re not in the spotlight right now. You’re not the whiz kid. You’re not tearing it up. But that doesn’t mean you don’t have your own accomplishments or a happy life. And hey, if you can’t be up there right now, up there with the golden few, it’s pretty cool that someone you know, someone you love and whose work you adore, someone who has influenced your creative journey and asked for your guidance in response, that someone is up there instead. In fact, that’s incredible, and a unique phenomenon to be celebrated all on its own.

Try to be as in the moment as possible. This is something I’m incredibly bad at, but I promise I’m working on it. Try to just do what you love for the sake of doing it and when someone else shows you the thing they made doing the exact same thing, clap them on the back and give them a hug, cause you’re both really doing it, aren’t you? You’re both creating things you love out of nothing, whether that be stories or films or music or even just moments. And sure, even with this advice I am still so incredibly jealous of people that I don’t know which way is up. But I try to laugh it off. I try to be honest with myself. I look at my petty little self, the version of myself who wishes it was me instead, who is tired of waiting, who is terrified she will never be as successful as the people she wants to be, who is so scared of having nothing to talk about at her 10-year-high-school-reunion and… I give myself a break.

Yeah, I’m jealous. Yeah, I’m scared I’m doing this wrong.Yeah, I’m worried everyone else got the instruction manual and I’m just making this up as I go along. But the fact of the matter is, in spite of these jealous feelings, I’m doing alright. I’m working my way up. And if my friends get there a little before I do… well, I’ll stand and clap for them like everyone else, a smile on my face and sincere love for them in my heart... even if, when you look close, you see my eyes are a little greener than usual. What can I say, I’m a work in progress. But I’m trying, and just as importantly, I’m not giving up. Which I guess is a success all my own.

Are you jealous?